BASKING IN REFLECTED GLORY

While most of us will never play professional sport or host a late-night talk show, we all can struggle from time to time with wanting to return to our “glory days” as we reminisce about some former phase in our lives.  Our reminiscing can become a danger to our mental health. The reality of the past may differ severely from the memory and we may be longing for someone or something that brought no satisfaction at the time nor would now. We can live in a state of .........if only.....

When we cannot recapture those moments, we can be tempted to set our sights on Basking in Reflected Glory also known as BIRG-ing.

What is BASKING IN REFLECTED GLORY (BIRG-ing)?

In social psychology, BIRG-ing refers to the tendency to associate ones self with the success attained by others as though it were your own. It capitalises on an affiliation with successful individuals or groups, whereby any association at all already enhances the self-image and self-esteem. Remember what it felt like to hang out with the Popular Kids?

"In the world of sports, dressing up in one's favorite team colours is a fun means of BIRG-ing.” http://psychologydictionary.org/basking-in-reflected-glory-birg-ing/#ixzz2lGrRRzPc

 

 

 

As South Africans we all know what that looks like. It’s okay to have heroes and support sports teams but......... this pastime can become our means to identity.

The concept of BIRG-ing is entrenched in Social Identity Theory which explains how one’s self esteem can be enhanced through identification with another person or a group’s success - Merritt Posten

As adolescents we have all been challenged by a crisis of identity:

1.     Who am I?

2.     To which group do I belong?

3.     What do I wish to achieve?

The negative possibility is that developmentally we were hindered and entered adulthood portraying some sense of identity confusion thus we have this need to latch onto others in order to fill a void within. BIRG-ing becomes more than a fun pursuit; we begin to live for the next game or information regarding our idols.

"Idolizing or admiring someone for their accomplishments, and then pushing yourself to excel in the same way can be positive. But, are we worshiping celebrities for being famous or are we worshiping true heroes...If we confuse heroes and celebrities, we deprive ourselves of real role models."- Jennifer Gibson

Whether we are in Church or not we are all at risk here, as the Christian world today has raised Music Groups and TV Preachers to that very same celebrity status.

Let us take some time and reflect on what the Bible says regarding “Glory”:-

Praise the Lord for the Glory that belongs to Him. Psalm 29:2

My Glory I (God) will not give to another. Isaiah 48:11

(Jesus) Christ in you (in me), the hope of Glory. Colossians 1:27

He (Jesus) is the radiance of the Glory of God and the exact imprint of His nature. Hebrews 1:3

Our identity needs to be founded on Truth.

If we are going to BIRG, let’s Bask In The Reflected Glory of God.

 

Blessings

Margsxxx

 

References:

The Holy Bible

Gibson, J: Brain blogger

(Hirt et al. 1992). The Costs and Benefits of Allegiance

Louw et al. 1998. Human Development 2^nd Edition

 

SPEAK THE TRUTH, EVEN IF YOUR VOICE SHAKES.

Faster and faster....panic! Is this it? Is this how it will end? “What do you want me to say!” he screamed at me. 

The truth, only the truth.

Yesterday, a client had come, telling of tragedy, telling of devastation to his family, a sister’s death.  Was that story prophetic of my end?   The same stretch of road, a 4X4 under the control of a raging mind, hiding from truth.

Home...my safe place; no longer his. 

He jumped out, fists raised to the heavens and raged,” Fine! I did it! 

Are you happy now?”

(My Story)

So much can be hidden and according to Lissa Rankin, MD when we stuff down our truth, wear masks and allow ourselves to be silenced; our body reacts, it whispers to us that something is wrong and when no response is certain, it yells ...and we suffer from pain and illness. Back problems, headaches, insomnia etc. are often emotional symptoms.

Our practical beliefs, real faith and truth are within us; we have a responsibility to embrace them but we do not always have complete conscious awareness of them and their capacity to impact our lives.

 

 

The process of counselling helps us explore our inner world and in the course of that honesty we will come to realize “truth” as a living grace, as an acceptance of self and not only as an intellectual concept.

So many of us are fearful of telling others our deepest experiences and thoughts, but as we delve into our inner world, we are sometimes amazed at what gems are present.  These gems lead us forward and help us to gain perspective of who we really are...when we are not wearing masks for others’  benefit...we can really love ourselves, just for who we are.

We don’t have to lie.

We understand that others may lie about us but the truth never wavers.

Did you know that when you tell a lie, that deception at its psychological core, is an act of aggression? One of the most subtle but yet effective ways to lie is lying by omission.  A very skilled manipulator might even deliver a story of very true facts but then (unbeknown to you) deliberately leaves out a key element that would shed an entirely new light on the truth of a situation.  This is done to create an impression and manipulate the outcome.

I have experienced this and have learnt that the impression left by the footsteps of dishonesty cannot gain power over me, if I walk in truth. It is important to track our pain back to its origins and see it honestly for what it was.

Hugs to all who have walked the path of divorce.

XXxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxMargs

CHOICES, CHOICES

How do we know we have made the right choice, especially in the choice of a spouse? People change...how do we recognise what the future will hold with our choice of friends, partners or work colleagues?

Most future forecasting is conspicuously off the mark. How many of us have said, “if only I’d known, he/she was like that........”   We really want to make good choices in all relationships; so what can we learn?

What psychology does know is that the future grows out of the past, it is possible to know certain characteristics about people which will not change tomorrow - if you know what to pay attention to today.

So (especially for the women :) keep the emotions at bay whilst the mind assesses the following.....

Susan Engel writes that there are 6 character traits that are constant:

Intelligence, drive, sociability, capacity for intimacy, happiness and goodness.

She states that all six elements show up early in life and don't change much over its course. So let’s take a look at what we should be looking out for in potential relationships, remember these will not really change!

Intelligence (* I'm way too intelligent to play with my intelligence)

Intelligence is the most constant quality over time; it is the announcer of possibility, a gauge of the likelihood of doing well in life.

Drive (* Vigorously goal-oriented)

Two key components to focus on when investigating how driven a person is; firstly how that person defines drive and secondly how or even whether, they are willing to work for it.

Sociability (*Bowling alone vs. playing with friends)

Signs of sociability are easily discernible, the existence of a broad circle of connections one calls on from time to time and a smaller circle of one or two close friends one can call on at any time and to whom one can make known one's inner world. Research shows that having at least one good friend is a buffer against many of life's troubles.

Capacity for intimacy (*Skinship)

Determine someone's capacity for intimacy and you will understand something about their ability to trust another human being.  This also reveals how vulnerable the person is able to be, how they make a commitment of any kind and how they control their anguish.

Happiness (*Manage your expectations)

Psychologists and philosophers find that happiness starts with having a sense of purpose and feeling useful. Happiness may be a feeling but, over the past 50 years, psychologists have come to see that in large measure it is a reflection of how we think.

Goodness (*For goodness sake)

Being empathetic is necessary for goodness but not sufficient; action is needed too;  a sign of integrity is the willingness to help another.

So off we go to make friends, to date or to interview others.  Let’s try and remember these 6 basic character traits that in all probability will change very little. 

If his/her intelligence or lack thereof irritates, you can take it that it always will.

If s/he is not driven, the possibility is strong that he never will be.

If s/he has no friends, doubt he ever will have.

If s/he has trust issues, they will in all probability linger.

If s/he is unhappy, usually he will stay that way deep inside.

If s/he doesn’t show you he really cares about You, in all probability, he doesn't.

So after this......... you have found a suitable candidate.....you may switch back on those emotions and move forward.

 Blessings

Remember this story? Samuel interviewing for a King.....

1 Samuel 16:7 ESV   

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

XXxxxxxxxxx Margs

 

*word play

References:

Red Flags or Red Herrings? Predicting Who Your Child Will Become – Susan Engel

FEAR OF THE FUTURE

Instead of viewing this moment in time as a crisis, consider seeing it as an emergence. You are shedding the skin of the past. A part of you is dying and a part of you is emerging. The pain feels the same but the result is different.
 


"You can't connect the dots looking forward you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something .........This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life." - Steve Jobs (died Oct 5, 2011).


Was he successful? It would seem so, looking through the media lens.......but truly successful in all spheres?





The root of our crisis is the wish for certainty in a world that is always faltering and uncertain. It is specifically this unrealistic demand that creates our anxiety. You think that you can truthfully analyse and manage your future until ........


Elliot D. Cohen states that if you don't have to control the outcome; if you do not expect to calculate with certainty what is by its nature uncertain; if you do not expect to solve a challenge; then you are free to relax. So relax........


There is no point in worrying over a future that is of itself uncertain; what can we control? What is in our power?


We have the power to say "I won't fear the future." We have the power to say "I won't resign myself to living a life of fear." We always have the power to say ‘no more’ to such a life.


What we don't have the power to do is to be omniscient (to have eyes in the back of our head; to see all-knowingly into the future).

Søren Kierkegaard believes the ‘Someone’ to help us is God and that a true understanding of God can only be attained by making a “personal leap of faith”. He proposed that each individual—not society or religion—is solely responsible for giving meaning to life and living it passionately and authentically. As an existentialist, he referred to this state of letting go as confronting your fear. It is about accepting responsibility, not for the future but for the choices you freely make about the future.


When you avidly live with a strong sense of purpose, even 'a calling', you walk with the knowledge of what is most important to you no matter what worries you face. This means forcing yourself to walk away from your rumination and worry and to do something constructive with your life. It means having the courage to accept yourself as inherently flawed; needing help.


Blessings,
Margs xx

 

 

REFERENCES:
Søren Kierkegaard (1813-1855): Fear & Trembling, 2005
Elliot D Cohen: Critical Thinking Unleashed, 2009

THE PARALYSIS OF PERFECTIONISM

 

We know that the glamorous and glossy, computer-enhanced and air-brushed images in ads, movies and magazines are not real, but often we are lulled into a stupor as the seductive sirens manipulate our senses, emotions and ability to reason – Richard Winter

We accept unspoken messages such as:

- I am how I look

- I behave perfectly therefore I am

- I am perfectly in control therefore I am

- I achieve therefore I am

If these are your mantras, it is obvious you have set yourself up for a fall. There is no one perfect and I am so much more.

Those who strive for perfectionism are often burdened with extreme worries and fears that they will never quite make the grade:

• I feel that what I accomplish is never quite good enough?
• Is it not a good thing to get things right, to be the best?
• Am I craving the approval of others?
• I will never be good enough.

In ‘The Artist’s Way’, author Julia Cameron writes:“Perfectionism is a refusal to let yourself move ahead. It is a loop -   an obsessive, debilitating closed system that causes you to get stuck in the details of what you are writing or painting or making and to lose sight of the whole.”

Perfectionism sucks all creativity from us leaving a dry husk; a needy, craving and unfulfilled human being. We forget so often that we are a ‘human being’ and not a ‘human doing’!

There is a call to show our weaknesses and celebrate our mistakes in order to feel fully human. It is only with the comfort that we have received at times of weakness that we share healing and comfort with others.

Ring the bells that still can ring,

Forget your perfect offering.

There is a crack in everything,

That’s how the light gets in.

-Leonard Cohen

Take a Reality Check!

There is just so much more to life than endless striving.

May we all once more catch a glimpse of what “LIFE” is.........?

Somewhere deep in our hearts we already know that success, fame, influence, power, and money do not give us the inner joy and peace we crave. Somewhere we can even sense a certain envy of those who have shed all false ambitions and found a deeper fulfilment in their relationship with God. Yes, somewhere we can even get a taste of that mysterious joy in the smile of those who have nothing to lose.

 – Henry Nouwen

AND add some colour to your world.....

Perfectionists are colour blind; they see the world in black and white, seeing in colour is realizing that even though a certain solution to a problem worked well yesterday, it might not be right for today.

 

 

Blessings                                

Margs xx

KNOWING ME, KNOWING YOU....AH HA!

 

 

Broken people are beautiful. There is something about vulnerability, suffering and pain that the human heart responds to instinctively.  We become sympathetic, tender, warm and protective towards those whose wounds show through their skin.  It doesn’t matter whether these wounds are physical, psychological or spiritual.  Brokenness in all its forms cries out to be healed.  Our wounds speak louder than our words ever could. – Bergin & Fitzgerald

The very word broken speaks to us of a need for healing; “I’m OK” just can’t be enough.  What steps can be taken to begin to facilitate healing when I don’t want to talk about it?

1.    I need to consciously step out of the darkness within me as denying feelings is not a legitimate coping mechanism. Journaling is an excellent way of getting our feelings out.

2.    I need to recognise and name my losses within my circumstances. Journal losses.

3.    It is imperative that I unlock the trapdoor of guilt and shame.  Shame is an unhealthy emotion telling me I am not a worthwhile person; guilt is a healthy emotion telling me I have stepped outside of my boundaries. I must choose not to live under shame and learn once more to live under healthy boundaries.

4.    Take the lid off my anger; I will not heal unless I express my anger in a constructive way so that I do not explode.  The underlying pain can then be dealt with.

5.    I should not surrender to my depression but work through it.

6.    I should strive to start a journey towards acceptance of what has happened and prepare myself to forgive. (see previous post on "unpacking forgiveness")

What insight will help me through my healing process; how do we truly “know” ourselves? How do we accept ourselves? How do we become a deep person?

We are on a journey of self discovery....join me as we delve into our lives.

We all have 4 quadrants in our lives:

• An open/free quadrant (Known Self)

A part of myself I am willing to share openly with other people. I am able to share freely what I am happy for others to know about me.

•           A blind quadrant (Blind Self)

These are parts of my personality I have yet to become aware of. They can be negative or positive; so often we see ourselves in a less than favourable light. In other areas we over inflate our potential.

We need to ask significant others to share these traits with us so that we can know ourselves better.

• A hidden quadrant (Hidden Self)

A part of myself I hide from the world; I acknowledge these traits but have reasons for wishing to keep others from knowing.

There is a growth opportunity here as I become more comfortable with myself, I can decide to share more of myself with significant others.

•            An unknown quadrant (Unknown Self)

There is potential within all of us; there is a part of me which no one knows, not even myself.  Only God knows me fully as He knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Here I find another growth opportunity to self discover. As I experience new things, potential can be unleashed into a “known quadrant”. Other’s observations can also help in uncovering my hidden potential as I surrender to self and shared discovery.

We need to seek and discover these hidden and blind quadrants in the present day so that we begin to unleash hidden potential. 

Let us ask God to shed light into the dark corners of our soul.

Carl Jung believed that it is the privilege of a lifetime to become who you truly are. He went on to state that until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate. 

We have all been ‘blindsided’ at times by our own response in a given situation.

 

"As no one else can know how we perceive, we are the best experts on ourselves." – Carl Rogers

So I want to tell you to seek truth, and the truth will set you free.  The truth

does set us free! Keep going!

 

 

Blessings

Margs

 

 

REFERENCES

Freed & Salazar. A Season to Heal, 1993

Johari Window Model

DOMESTIC AND NATIONAL ABUSE

Martyrs, Saints & Sell-outs is a photographic exhibition exhibiting at the Castle of Good Hope, Cape Town. 

In the dim light of this ancient castle, I experienced once more the atrocities that took place in Cape Town during Apartheid in South Africa.  Violence, power and control was utilised in an horrific display of human depravity. It is a reflection of an era of despair and isolation, a memory of  the significance of a struggle; the fallout of which is part of our daily lives in Cape Town today.

There are those who deal with abuse and violence every day; it is very personal and takes place within the safety of their homes. 

How does the 'modern abuser' employ power, control and violence?

1. Using Coercion and Threats
Making or carrying out threats to leave and abandon their family without financial means.
Threatening their partner so that charges are dropped.
Threatening their partner to partake in illegal activities.

2. Using Intimidation
Provoking fear by looks, actions or gestures.
Smashing things, destroying property.
Displaying weapons

3. Using Emotional Abuse
Making the partner feel bad through verbal abuse.
Playing mind games
Name calling, humiliating and shaming
Making their partner feel guilty for their bad behaviour.

4. Using Isolation
Controlling the movements of their partner and who they speak to.
Using jealousy to justify actions

5. Minimising, Denying and Blaming
Downplaying their partner's concerns regarding the abuse.
Lying regarding the abuse
Blaming their partner for the abuse; saying that they are 'asking' for it

6. Using Children
Using the children to relay messages
Using visitation to harass their partner.
Threatening to take the children away

7. Using Male Privilege
Treating the female partner like a servant
Making all the big decisions

8. Using Economic Abuse
Preventing their partner from getting or keeping a job.
Making their partner ask for money
Giving their partner an allowance
Taking their partner's money
Not allowing access to the family income

~Domestic Abuse Intervention Project

If you find yourself in this position a PROTEST is in order!

The Magic question to ask yourself:
If you woke up tomorrow and the problem had gone away, what would your life look like?

If the difference is significant, it is time to bring about change.

What is NOT a solution?
a. Silent submission
b. Ineffective fighting and violence
c. Blaming
d. Emotional distancing

Physical distance is the beginning of healing.

What could the consequences be if we make no changes?

a. Loss of important relationships, you may lose relationship with your children, your parents, your friends.
b. You will continue to have no control over your life.
c. You will continue to sacrifice yourself to bolster and protect your partner.
d. There will be Continuous Trauma for yourself and your children.

Use the Law:

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND THE LAW Acts 133 of 1993 and 116 of 1998

Domestic violence is any form of abuse which includes physical, sexual, emotional, psychological or economic harassment within a domestic relationship. If these forms of abuse are happening to you or to anyone you know, you can apply for a protection order.www.services.gov.za


A Domestic relationship includes two people being in a customary relationship actual or perceived romantic, intimate or sexual relationship of any duration sharing or having shared the same residence. It is not just for those who are legally married.

…and will make the Valley of Achor a Door of Hope~ Hosea 2:15
The Valley of Achor is the Valley of Trouble; there is a Door of Hope.

As those who praise God pass through the Valley of Baca they make it a Place of Springs ~ Psalm 84:6
The Valley of Baca is the Valley of weeping and misery ; there is a Place of Springs