MOVING ONWARD: ACCEPTANCE

STAGE 1: DENIAL
STAGE 2: ANGER
STAGE 3: BARGAINING
STAGE 4: DEPRESSION
STAGE 5: ACCEPTANCE

I do not believe that Elizabeth Kübler-Ross's groundbreaking research on the 5 Stages of Grief comes with an expectation of us being robotic in moving through the 5 steps; arriving at ‘acceptance’ and that is that.  You don't just move through the stages in order. You go back and forth through them again and again as a pendulum swings, as you bypass Memorial days, birthdays and ‘special meaning’ days once enjoyed with your loved one. There are days when you think you have at last accepted the loss, only to be ambushed by a smell, a stranger who looks similar or the sound of someone’s voice.

Acceptance is often confused with the impression of being “okay” with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people will always have a hollow space, a feeling that a place has been left empty. Acceptance is about facing the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality. This has become our new kind of normal. Embracing your new kind of normal is the most empowering choice you can make as it allows you to hope and trust once more.

Acceptance does not mean forgetting, but rather using the memories to create a new life without your loved one. Hoping for things to be as they were may be replaced by a search for new relationships and new activities.

The Benchmarks in Rebuilding

• You are able to talk about the deceased without intense affect (emotion)

• You can reinvest emotions in another

There is a wholeness about the man or woman who has learned that s/he is strong enough to go through a tragedy and survive, the person who can lose someone through death, through divorce, through estrangement and still feel like a complete person and not broken and with a level of coping that is higher than when the tragedy occurred. You have come through the worst and come through it whole.

 Growth

Some people seek meaning in their loss and get involved in causes or projects that help others.
Some people find a new compassion in themselves as a result of the pain they have suffered. They may become more sensitive to others, thus enabling richer relationships. Others find new strength and independence they never knew they had. After the loss, they find new emotional resources that had not been apparent before. www.hospicefamilycare.org

As our journey through grief draws to a close, I am going to tell a well-known story; meditate and ponder its application in the light of loss, in the light of grief.

 

THE MISSING PIECE
By Shel Silverstein (cited in Connections, 10/97) 

"Once there was a circle that was missing a piece. A large triangular wedge had been cut out of it. The circle wanted to be whole, with nothing missing, so it went around and around looking for its missing piece. But because it was incomplete, it could only roll very slowly as it rolled throughout the world. But as it rolled slowly, it admired the flowers along the way. It chatted with butterflies. It enjoyed the warm sunshine.

It found lots of pieces, but none of them fit. Some were too big and some were too small. Some were too square and some too pointy. So it left them by the side of the road and kept on searching.

Then one day the circle found a piece that fit perfectly. It was so happy. Now it could be whole, with nothing missing. With the replacement piece in place, the now perfect circle could roll along very fast, but too fast to notice the flowers, too fast to talk to the butterflies. When it realized how different the world seemed when it rolled along so quickly, the circle stopped, left its newfound piece by the side of the road, and rolled slowly away, looking for its missing piece."

APPLICATION

In some strange sense, we are more whole when we have lost.

 

Many Blessings                                                       

Margie