My life story continues..:
My purpose in this blog is help those who have questions exploding in their
minds re a new relationship (or longterm), to either put them to rest or to
answer those doubts so that you may be free.
As we continue our journey together remember I am looking back over my shoulder. For me this is the past. Whatever you may be going through, know that knowledge is helpful but this journey with a Narcissist (N) is truly deeply painful and many professionals advise that the only way forward is to end the relationship. If that is not possible, set extremely sturdy boundaries and seek professional help.
(Narcissism is not gender specific, the male gender is used here only because of my own experience. )
When living with a N you deny your gut feel (your inner voice) as you want to believe the best. You really care and then there are those honeymoon periods that lull you into denial. Your life becomes a roller coaster for as quickly as the N can derail you, they can build you up with gifts, cards and flowers. All is well again until >>>>>>>>>here we go again!
As we continue our journey together remember I am looking back over my shoulder. For me this is the past. Whatever you may be going through, know that knowledge is helpful but this journey with a Narcissist (N) is truly deeply painful and many professionals advise that the only way forward is to end the relationship. If that is not possible, set extremely sturdy boundaries and seek professional help.
(Narcissism is not gender specific, the male gender is used here only because of my own experience. )
When living with a N you deny your gut feel (your inner voice) as you want to believe the best. You really care and then there are those honeymoon periods that lull you into denial. Your life becomes a roller coaster for as quickly as the N can derail you, they can build you up with gifts, cards and flowers. All is well again until >>>>>>>>>here we go again!
There is a truth here that you are not willing to accept because you feel you
can and want to help them.
All relationships have their difficulties so how do we determine the difference between what are normal difficulties and what are abnormal difficulties in our relationship?
Maybe these Red Flags I experienced will help us identify just what behaviour 'demands our attention' :
1. The N hones in on a certain weakness in you, leaving you feeling you should try harder, but it is never good enough. It is this weak point that he constantly stabs with an emotional dagger to wound, then pulls it out just enough that the pain isn't too severe. Over many years this wound is reopened over and over, you never make the grade no matter how hard you try.
I doubted myself, my choices more and more. My concerns were repackaged by the N leaving me questioning not only myself but everyone and every situation. Nothing and I mean nothing was ever his fault.
2. Needing to be a "Mind reader".
If the N makes a mistake e.g. Damaging the car while parking in the garage, he will storm through the door irate that you did not help him park it...how could you not know that he needed help? You are so selfish just doing your thing (cooking??) when you knew he had arrived and needed your help. Self doubt creeps in. You are meant to read his mind and when you don't, you are inconsiderate. Are adults meant to act in this childish manner? Yet you still doubt yourself.
His bad attitudes and temper arose, he made me feel that it was my fault for not trying harder, not being everything he needed me to be.
3. The N looked down on and spoke poorly of others, always thinking himself superior.
Oprah states that when people show you who they really are, believe them the first time! You deny the signs knowing that if you acknowledge them you will have to do something about it.
4. Only the N knew how the real world works... he talked down to me constantly. I learnt to keep the peace because if I upset him, he would shut down, devoid of emotion and certainly devoid of love, he completely withdrew. This was my punishment.
5. Financial deviance, living recklessly and lying with no remorse are traits to look out for. The N will deviantly take from others in financial deals with no concern nor remorse.
He told many a story of misleading creditors, banks and people. This is such an obvious red flag.
PEACE
There can be no Peace in the world until there is inner Peace within each of us.
"Choose your battles wisely. After all, life isn't measured by how many times you stood up to fight. It's not winning battles that makes you happy, but it's how many times you turned away and chose to look in a better direction. Life is too short to spend it on warring. Fight only the most, most, most important ones and let the rest go.” (C. JoyBell)
Towards the end of my relationship, the 'Cry of my Heart' was, I just want peace! Please, please bring this to an end!
Now I have that peace and I will guard it as I guard my heart. Never again will I allow a Narcissist to take it from me. I am like a Lioness guarding her cub. God has given me Peace through His favour. I embrace it, I cherish it and never again will I relinquish it.
All relationships have their difficulties so how do we determine the difference between what are normal difficulties and what are abnormal difficulties in our relationship?
Maybe these Red Flags I experienced will help us identify just what behaviour 'demands our attention' :
1. The N hones in on a certain weakness in you, leaving you feeling you should try harder, but it is never good enough. It is this weak point that he constantly stabs with an emotional dagger to wound, then pulls it out just enough that the pain isn't too severe. Over many years this wound is reopened over and over, you never make the grade no matter how hard you try.
I doubted myself, my choices more and more. My concerns were repackaged by the N leaving me questioning not only myself but everyone and every situation. Nothing and I mean nothing was ever his fault.
2. Needing to be a "Mind reader".
If the N makes a mistake e.g. Damaging the car while parking in the garage, he will storm through the door irate that you did not help him park it...how could you not know that he needed help? You are so selfish just doing your thing (cooking??) when you knew he had arrived and needed your help. Self doubt creeps in. You are meant to read his mind and when you don't, you are inconsiderate. Are adults meant to act in this childish manner? Yet you still doubt yourself.
His bad attitudes and temper arose, he made me feel that it was my fault for not trying harder, not being everything he needed me to be.
3. The N looked down on and spoke poorly of others, always thinking himself superior.
Oprah states that when people show you who they really are, believe them the first time! You deny the signs knowing that if you acknowledge them you will have to do something about it.
4. Only the N knew how the real world works... he talked down to me constantly. I learnt to keep the peace because if I upset him, he would shut down, devoid of emotion and certainly devoid of love, he completely withdrew. This was my punishment.
5. Financial deviance, living recklessly and lying with no remorse are traits to look out for. The N will deviantly take from others in financial deals with no concern nor remorse.
He told many a story of misleading creditors, banks and people. This is such an obvious red flag.
PEACE
There can be no Peace in the world until there is inner Peace within each of us.
"Choose your battles wisely. After all, life isn't measured by how many times you stood up to fight. It's not winning battles that makes you happy, but it's how many times you turned away and chose to look in a better direction. Life is too short to spend it on warring. Fight only the most, most, most important ones and let the rest go.” (C. JoyBell)
Towards the end of my relationship, the 'Cry of my Heart' was, I just want peace! Please, please bring this to an end!
Now I have that peace and I will guard it as I guard my heart. Never again will I allow a Narcissist to take it from me. I am like a Lioness guarding her cub. God has given me Peace through His favour. I embrace it, I cherish it and never again will I relinquish it.
When dealing with what your N says to you....
Prepare a "truth" and "lies" list; absorb both lists to your core (mind, body and spirit). If a truth hurts, write out 'truths to work on' and find a quote to inspire you to do so. Start doing this and therefore renewing your mind today. (Tina Swithin: Divorcing a Narcissist, One Mom's Battle)
Jesus love never fails, it never gives up and it never runs out on you.
XXxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Margs
Thanks also to Drew Keys: “The
Narcissist Exposed” for helping me clarify my thoughts.
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