GRIEF'S IRATE COMPANIONS : ANGER & BARGAINING

STAGE 1 - DENIAL (previous blog)
STAGE 2 - ANGER
STAGE 3 - BARGAINING

 

EMOTIONS THAT MAY BE PREVALENT: Fear, hostility, resentment, non-participation, isolation.

ANGER                                     

Why me? It's not fair! How can this happen to me?
Who is to blame?

A man that does not know how to be angry does not know how to be good. Now and then a man should be shaken to the core with indignation over things evil - Henry Ward Beecher

Anger is a feeling; it is not good or bad. It functions a lot like a pressure cooker. The pot is filled with painful emotions which we try to shove down into the pressure cooker and close the lid. As the feelings clamour for release, the pressure builds up inside the pot and steam will be forced out!! Our feelings build until we have to let off steam! It is easy to understand therefore that grief will necessitate anger as the emotions that are prevalent are extremely intense.

What is the objective of anger in grief?

1)     PROTEST – against the damage to one’s own survival; to ward off the reality and to try to undo an event that is premature and uncalled-for.

2)     RETRIEVAL – a means to wholeness from a feeling of being fragmented, a focus for frustration on a target e.g. a doctor, the deceased or even God.

3)     CONTROL – the emotional response to regain control; It is a defence against accepting one's own sense of impotence.

http://tcfniagara.ca/id47.html

 It is OK to be angry; it is a natural human response.  It is how we express it that is either appropriate or inappropriate. Our objective is to focus on the specific incident in a controlled manner, seeking resolution.

Positive venting of anger includes verbal and non verbal means. It is important for people to have the go-ahead to express their most intense feelings of anger, regardless of where the anger is targeted. Crying itself can be a release of anger, especially the more intense and uncontrollable crying. A non-verbal means of venting is physical exercise; it is a natural means of releasing frustration, helplessness and pain. Cleaning and chopping wood are other ways to vent our anger positively.

BARGAINING

Bargaining can be a challenging stage to move through in the grieving process as it implies there is something a person can do to bring the loved one back into their life. Unfortunately, the reality is that the loved one will not be returning into their previous physical form.

It's understandable that a person would miss their spouse, family member, friend, or pet so much that they would do whatever they could to bring them back. Promising God they will be a better person, quit an unhealthy habit or treat the loved one differently may be part of the bargaining process. Ruminating about how things might be different today if only this or that was done differently in the past can also be part of this torturous experience.

 OPPOSITE OF ANGER

Kind and loving friends and family will give lots of advice regarding anger.  I found that meditating on what is the opposite of anger was my most fruitful experience:

Words that are the opposite of anger:

 

• amiability                                        
• charity
• forbearance
• gentleness
• leniency
• lenity
• long-suffering
• love
• mercy
• mildness
• patience
• peace
• peacefulness
• self-control
• self-restraint

Remember our journey is forward moving; Am I moving forward?

“and the peace of God, which surpasses every understanding, shall guard your hearts and your thoughts by Christ Jesus” - Philippians 4:7

We journey on.................................................................

 Blessings

Margs