DEPRESSION: DESIGNED TO BRING HEALING

  
 

STAGE 1 DENIAL
STAGE 2 ANGER
STAGE 3 BARGAINING
STAGE 4 DEPRESSION

The Supreme challenge to anyone facing catastrophic loss involves facing the darkness of the loss on the one hand, and learning to live with renewed vitality and gratitude on the other..............Loss can diminish us but it can also expand us...........Loss can function as a catalyst to transform us – Jerry Sitser

As we proceed through the Grief Cycle, we have come to the most contentious of the steps. We live in a world that tells us that depression is bad; if you are depressed you should just snap out of it etc. But depression is a step to recovery through the Cycle of Grief. (Kübler Ross)  

4 things we should know about depression in grief:

1.    Depression is universal and no respecter of persons (La Haye)

2.    Depression is a natural response to loss

3.    Depression includes a component of anger whether visible or invisible, whether conscious or unconscious.

4.    This is not Clinical depression, it should pass after a few months 

There are so many misconceptions regarding depression so what is it really, can we define it?

INSULT OR INJURY/LOSS OR REJECTION + ANGER x SELF-PITY = DEPRESSION (La Haye)

(Self-pity may be considered normal, and in certain circumstances healthy, so long as it is fleeting and leads to either acceptance or a determination to change the situation.) What we have learnt as abnormal and detrimental can become the pathway towards acceptance and healing.

What symptoms to look out for:

ü Unconnectedness

ü Profound sense of sadness

ü Hopelessness, pessimism

ü Losing interest in favourite things

ü Sleep routine disturbed

ü Change in eating habits

ü Substantial loss of energy

ü Hard to concentrate

ü Thoughts of suicide

ü Impacting your spiritual life

ü Unforgiveness

(Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for You (God) are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. Ps 23:4)

When we try to mask our depression it will show itself in other ways i.e. hypochondria, aggression or impulsive behaviour e.g. drinking alcohol, gambling, working to forget the pain (Collins)

The most important thing I wish to convey in this blog is that “Depression is not a sin!” nor can it be prevented in grief.

STRATEGIES ON OVERCOMING DEPRESSION

• Take care of your physical body – nutrition, sleep, exercise
• Keep moving – don’t allow yourself to lie around
• Catch those negative thoughts – talk them over with someone you trust or write them down.  It is better to get them out into the open where you can deal with them.
• Eliminate untrue beliefs
• Find an accountability partner – someone who will call you just to make sure you are okay and up and about.
• Connect with others
• Get professional help if needed
• Forgive ( we will deal more with this next week)
• Meditate on God’s word and Journal, journal, journal

“We’ve been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we’re not demoralised; we’re not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we’ve been spiritually terrorised, but God hasn’t left our side; we’ve been thrown down, but we haven’t broken.” (2 Cor 4:6-9 Msg)

The Jewish Mourner’s Kaddish is a prayer bringing praise and glory to God and is said at every prayer meeting throughout the mourning period.  It is a public declaration (10 or more people) of those who mourn that their faith is still in God.  May we find in this a lesson worth learning, by giving God praise through our grief, not only are we reaffirming our faith but we are raising ourselves to a place beyond this world. It is good to give Him praise and I have learnt that by following this path, even on days when I didn’t feel like it, it was balm for the soul.

Psalm 148:1-5

Praise the Lord from the heavens

Praise Him in the heights above

Praise Him all His angels

Praise Him all His heavenly hosts

Praise Him sun and moon

Praise Him all you shining stars

Praise Him you highest heavens

And you waters above the skies

Let them praise the name of the Lord

For He commanded and they were created.

 

All is grace

Margie

 

GRIEF'S IRATE COMPANIONS : ANGER & BARGAINING

STAGE 1 - DENIAL (previous blog)
STAGE 2 - ANGER
STAGE 3 - BARGAINING

 

EMOTIONS THAT MAY BE PREVALENT: Fear, hostility, resentment, non-participation, isolation.

ANGER                                     

Why me? It's not fair! How can this happen to me?
Who is to blame?

A man that does not know how to be angry does not know how to be good. Now and then a man should be shaken to the core with indignation over things evil - Henry Ward Beecher

Anger is a feeling; it is not good or bad. It functions a lot like a pressure cooker. The pot is filled with painful emotions which we try to shove down into the pressure cooker and close the lid. As the feelings clamour for release, the pressure builds up inside the pot and steam will be forced out!! Our feelings build until we have to let off steam! It is easy to understand therefore that grief will necessitate anger as the emotions that are prevalent are extremely intense.

What is the objective of anger in grief?

1)     PROTEST – against the damage to one’s own survival; to ward off the reality and to try to undo an event that is premature and uncalled-for.

2)     RETRIEVAL – a means to wholeness from a feeling of being fragmented, a focus for frustration on a target e.g. a doctor, the deceased or even God.

3)     CONTROL – the emotional response to regain control; It is a defence against accepting one's own sense of impotence.

http://tcfniagara.ca/id47.html

 It is OK to be angry; it is a natural human response.  It is how we express it that is either appropriate or inappropriate. Our objective is to focus on the specific incident in a controlled manner, seeking resolution.

Positive venting of anger includes verbal and non verbal means. It is important for people to have the go-ahead to express their most intense feelings of anger, regardless of where the anger is targeted. Crying itself can be a release of anger, especially the more intense and uncontrollable crying. A non-verbal means of venting is physical exercise; it is a natural means of releasing frustration, helplessness and pain. Cleaning and chopping wood are other ways to vent our anger positively.

BARGAINING

Bargaining can be a challenging stage to move through in the grieving process as it implies there is something a person can do to bring the loved one back into their life. Unfortunately, the reality is that the loved one will not be returning into their previous physical form.

It's understandable that a person would miss their spouse, family member, friend, or pet so much that they would do whatever they could to bring them back. Promising God they will be a better person, quit an unhealthy habit or treat the loved one differently may be part of the bargaining process. Ruminating about how things might be different today if only this or that was done differently in the past can also be part of this torturous experience.

 OPPOSITE OF ANGER

Kind and loving friends and family will give lots of advice regarding anger.  I found that meditating on what is the opposite of anger was my most fruitful experience:

Words that are the opposite of anger:

 

• amiability                                        
• charity
• forbearance
• gentleness
• leniency
• lenity
• long-suffering
• love
• mercy
• mildness
• patience
• peace
• peacefulness
• self-control
• self-restraint

Remember our journey is forward moving; Am I moving forward?

“and the peace of God, which surpasses every understanding, shall guard your hearts and your thoughts by Christ Jesus” - Philippians 4:7

We journey on.................................................................

 Blessings

Margs

DENIAL AIN'T JUST A RIVER IN EGYPT - MARK TWAIN

I would love to share the Cycle of Grief one step at a time over the next few weeks so that we gain understanding of the impact and the steps to healing from grief and loss. Sadly, we all have to deal with grief and loss in our personal lives as well as in our community.

 

There are many valleys in life, be it a setback or challenge, a job loss, an illness, a disaster or the death of a loved one. Moving forward is the path along which we should be moving and though we may dally along the way and even circle back, the question we need to ask ourselves constantly is: am I moving forward?

According to Elizabeth Kübler Ross there are 5 main stages of grief that we all pass through.  Other emotions may vary from person to person.

STAGE 1: DENIAL

EMOTIONS THAT MAY BE PREVALENT ARE: CONFUSION, DISBELIEF, NUMBNESS, SADNESS, SHOCK AND DISINTEREST

A simple definition of denial is that one refuses to acknowledge what is readily apparent to others. I believe it is not so simple. Denial is actually a coping or defence mechanism that allows you time to adjust to distressing situations; but remaining there can interfere with your ability to adjust to challenges on your journey through grief.

I have experienced this first hand. We so often have a gut feel of what is truth in a situation but something holds us back from facing that reality. Time is needed to digest and find the strength to deal with the pain. 

What causes this reaction, this waiting? I can only believe that it is God’s Grace, a quiet resting place before the storm.

When you are in denial, the truth is your adversary and your accuser. It is, therefore, imperative that we do not get trapped in denial, we have to face the truth of our situation, however painful, and however hard it is to deal with.

How do we do that? 

According to the Mayo Clinic there are steps we can take. Here they are:

• Honestly ask yourself what you fear. 
• Think about the possible negative cost of not taking action. With God’s hand in your hand, you can do this. 
• Try to identify irrational beliefs about your situation. We all have them but know that God holds the future and He is good.
• Journal about your experience. I have found this so helpful and this tool can be used throughout the healing process from grief and loss.
• Open up to a trusted friend or loved one. Pick someone who has warmth and empathy.

The fear present in grief is that I may be totally overwhelmed and lose myself.

I would suggest that we cannot look at the subject of denial without looking at resilience.

RESILIENCE

Resilience means being able to adapt to life's misfortunes and setbacks.

As we grow in resilience, we harness inner strength that helps us rebound from grief and loss. If we lack resilience we might dwell on problems, feel victimized, become overwhelmed or turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms e.g. substance abuse.

How do we build up resilience? (We cannot just build it overnight; it is a journey through experience, a journey of understanding our worth and of trusting in the support of others.)

1) Don't ignore your problems or try to wish them away. Ask God for strength, ask God to teach you from each experience.

2) Learn from experience, how did you cope well in the past? Utilize that same skill and strategy.

3) Journal - write about past experiences to identify positives and negatives from your past experiences. God loves us to remember our victories.

As we walk through the Cycle of Grief and Loss, may we come to the place of "Acceptance" with a higher level of coping i.e. a strengthened resilience so that we may support others through their misfortunes. Our God is a God of comfort and healing:

Blessed be the God of all comfort, who comforts us in our entire affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

- 2 Cor 1:3-5

Onward we go.

 

CORRUPTION

RUPTURING OUR CORE?

Corruption comes from the Latin 'cor' and 'rumpere' meaning “Altogether Broken". As freedom is corroded under the weight of corruption in our land, it certainly feels as if our society is broken.

On reflection, brokenness and grief seem to fit together as a hand in a glove. In the Old Testament a tearing of garments signified grief, a symbol of brokenness of heart and spirit.

This week I came across such an interesting journal by *William W. Bostock, PhD., Senior Lecturer in Government at the University of Tasmania, Australia. He stated that overt corruption in organisations (and I would like to add governments), leads to a psychological adjustment by the members within that organisation (or nation). He states that as each occurrence of corruption is exposed, a psychological adjustment is made and becomes visible through the stages of grief being enacted in those who impact and those who are impacted. Please find below how Bostock walks us through the Stages of Grief by Kübler-Ross in relation to corruption:-

1) Denial - denial is felt or stated by both perpetrators and victims. The denial of what is really happening.

2) Anger and fear - anger can lead to whistle-blowing and/or other violent reactions such as demonstrations. Fear leads to a cover up.

3) Bargaining- the perpetrator of corruption may state public regret on being caught out and may negotiate to a point; victims may bargain for some relief.

4) Depression- gloom, demotivation and apathy sets into the hearts of victims after each exposure of corruption.

5) Acceptance and apathy- on acceptance of corruption, a widespread feeling of apathy prevails that nothing can be done to turn back the clock.

It is known that the cost of reform is so much higher than the cost of tolerance and therefore corruption in organisations/nations creates an enormous burden that must be paid for in reduced living standards, health and well being of the people. Corruption delays, distorts and diverts economic growth. I believe that once more: our nation grieves! Bostock suggests that only Rebirth will bring healing, a sense that a new order will be born and the corrupt administration will be left behind.

Bongani Bongwe stated last week on Carte Blanche (TV program in SA), all we seem to do in South Africa is, "Reshuffle the deck chairs on the Titanic".

Do we just throw up our hands in distress? What is required of us?

Bishop Tan Chee Ing states that "Corruption in any form and in any shape –be it bribery, underhandedness, palm-greasing, dishonesty, etc, – breaks the covenant of love according to which we are to love God and neighbour as ourselves (Luke 10:27)".

We know that our God is in the business of Rebirth and Restoration. I would suggest to you that we take note of these stages of grief above to ensure that as we are walking through this Valley of Corruption in our land we personally reach a place, not of apathy, but restoration. Let’s take heed of what God's Word says to us:

And what does the LORD require of you (His child)

But to do justice, to love kindness,

And to walk humbly with your God - Micah 6:8

He is the Lifter of our heads.

Blessings
Margie

*Bostock, WW, The effects of corruption on the collective mental state of organisations, The GSTF Journal of Law and Social Sciences, 1, (2) pp. 69-73. ISSN 2251-2853 (2012) (with permission)

FORGIVING FOR THE SAKE OF PEACE

‘COURAGEOUS PEOPLE DO NOT FEAR FORGIVING, FOR THE SAKE OF PEACE.” – Nelson Mandela

While reading the daily news, I realise we are in crisis mode in South Africa. We have the following decision to make on how to personally and nationally respond to our circumstances. These are some alternatives:

1.     Peacemaking – overlooking wrongs, reconciliation and mediation between opposing opinions

2.     Escape – denial of problems and/or flight from the problems

3.     Attack – assault the opposition, litigate or murder 

~Sande 2005

Reconciliation should be a constant flow of current through our nation and in our personal lives. I believe much can be attained at a personal level to impact communities as well as nations.

A question I have asked of myself as Nelson Mandela lies critically ill, is this, am I still living in a ‘Spirit of Reconciliation’ or has that dream become tarnished along with our Nation’s decline? In ‘burying the hatchet’ back in 1994 did we bury it in a shallow, well marked grave and now when things are tough, are we ready to dig it all up once more?

We must remember that Nelson Mandela helped powerful men catch the vision, not only to liberate the oppressed but also to restore the future generation (De Gruchy 2002). It is good for us to reflect! It is good to remember where we have come from and take strength for the journey ahead.

Have we forgotten that reconciliation is a relating to others in the here-and-now? Has that vision been lost? If so, it is time once more to examine ourselves. I can make a difference and so can you!

Conflict always begins in the heart. Have we slunk back into “I desire, I demand, I judge and I punish”?  We have the need to recall the lessons brought to us in 1990 when Madiba was released from prison. It is not a conflicting choice of right and wrong but right and right!   The desires of my heart should communicate my response and my behaviour. 

How far have we come in our personal journey of reconciliation? It is :

-a journey from the past into the future
-a journey from estrangement into communion
-a journey from injustice to justice

We are observing an abuse of power and scandal but we must bear in mind that in the past, we had no such freedom of the press; many of us were not bombarded by the atrocities that took place before.

"Peace is costly but it is worth the expense" - African proverb

A great reminder from Paul in pressing on toward the goal :" One thing I do; forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."  Our goal is 'Peacemaking', personally and in community. 

 At this auspicious time may our prayer be that of St Francis of Assisi (excerpt):

Lord,

Make me an instrument of your peace

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon
Where there is doubt, faith
Where there is despair, hope

 .......................................

Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned.

 

            Blessings