3 WISE MEN VS 3 FOOLS

An Axiom of Truth

At a time of year when we remember 3 of the Wisest Men of their time who having studied the mysteries of life and astronomy, found a bright star and despite their culture and religion, followed that star that led them to the King of all Kings, Jesus.

I am reminded of 3 unwise men from my own life story who having no commitment to seeking wisdom, got together and sought a path to wealth and power.

The 3 wise men found the Christ child humble in a stable; gave gifts which symbolised Christ's identity and mission: gold for a King, incense for God, and myrrh symbolising a death to be borne. They worshipped Him!

The 3 unwise men found wealth but alas have 'given little' in comparison to its abundance and worship themselves and the idols of sex, money and power.

The 3 wise men heard and obeyed the voice of God warning them which way to go, in doing so they saved the Christ child from an evil and wicked King Herod who aimed to destroy Him.

The 3 unwise men now renowned as fools, have blocked out the voice of God and have followed their own path.  All 3 have destroyed their families of origin and have broken the hearts of those nearest and dearest to them.

The 3 wise men returned home wise and full of peace and respected throughout history.

The 3 fools have no peace; these are men who build a 'realm of dominance' in their own honour and for their selfish gain but the walls will crumble and the cry will ring out. 'No peace! and most certainly 'No respect'!

When we seek God with sincere determination, we will find him. He is not hiding from us, but wants to have an intimate relationship with each of us.

Grief is all we have left when observing such selfish lives.
The fool says in his heart, "I have no need for God."

At year end so many women and children struggle through grief from loss. I have walked this road too.....

"She held her grief behind her eyes like an ocean & when she leaned forward into the day it spilled onto the floor & she wiped at it quickly with her foot & pretended no one had seen." -Brian Andreas

I see and know your grief.


With much love at this time.

Xxxxx Margs

TAKE OUT THOSE PRUNING SHEARS - A TIME TO PRUNE.

 

 



 Two quotes from “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel”

Sonny: Everything will be all right in the end... if it's not all right then it's not yet the end.

Evelyn: Nothing here has worked out quite as I expected.

Muriel: Most things don't. But sometimes what happens instead is the good stuff.

I think many of us love to adopt this nonchalant way of life, but I believe that nothing will change if we are not prepared to change.

Nothing grows to fruition without pruning. Plants or humans.
Gardeners prune a rose bush for three reasons:

      I.          The bush produces more buds than it can sustain and some good ones have to go so the best ones can have the resources of the bush.

Let the good blossom!

    II.          There are some branches and buds that are sick and not going to get well.

Cut these things back in your life, give them less time and effort.

  III.          There are some that are already dead and are taking up space.

Chop those off!

-        Henry Cloud

Every good gardener I’ve met has the following qualities: curiosity, tenacity, creativity and passion. God is the Great Gardener thus let Him work in your life! 

There are relationships that really just stop all growth and need attending, so take out those shears.  

Pruning is not a negative experience; it holds within its power hope, vision and care.  When we decide to make changes in our lives, we can do so with the same creativity as stated above.  Many of us have become apathetic in our relationships, leaving problems to chance, neglect and dissolution. We often feel down and ask why we continue to have the same problems with the same person? 

GOOD QUESTIONS TO ASK OURSELVES

What reason, other than the fact that I want this relationship to work, do I have for believing that tomorrow is going to be different from today? Do I want to be having these same negative interactions 6 months or a year from now?

When you see that you need to let go of something or someone, what happens inside? What fears emerge? How paralysing are they? What can you do to tackle them?

If you are holding on to hope, what is the basis for that? Is it rational and objective? Or is it just a defence against facing the issue?

Endings are a part of life, and we are essentially wired to be able to complete them. It is because of our own trauma and developmental failures as well as other reasons that we shy away from taking the steps that could open up whole new worlds of development and growth. Let God deal with you so that you can deal well with others.

Imbalance in life and relationships often comes from two sources.

1.     You have too much to do. Too many meetings, too many relationships, too many tasks pull you in too many directions.

2.     A few big problems (usually human in nature) are taking up lots of your time and energy (or at least more than their fair share) than the rest of the people and projects.

 

God believes in pruning, Jesus said,” I am the True Vine and my Father is the gardener......every branch that bears fruit He prunes.” John 15

So prune wisely and begin the New Year with a New Perspective.

"The wise person adjusts to the truth.  The foolish person adjusts the truth so that he has to do nothing different." (P133)

Blessings

Margsxx

Resources:

Cloud, H PhD: Necessary Endings, 2010.

RECHARGE, REFRAME AND REDIRECT!

 

 



The streets and the malls are filled with lights, holiday melodies and glittery ornaments. We are overwhelmed by special events and celebrations and an excess of food and drink. Outwardly the holiday whirl is smiles and excitement, but if we look inside of ourselves what is the reality?

Rituals and festivity serve an important psychological purpose. Our holidays are not just outdated rituals from a less sophisticated time or simply a time for escape, greediness or getting together with those we love. The holidays take us from one period of our lives to the next and psychologically we are confronted with spiritual and philosophical truths and ideals.

The holidays are a time of personal journey and affirmation of meaning. We can pretend this is not so but many changes are made and many decisions are taken at this time. The reflection and internal processing that goes on during the holidays is serious and bittersweet no matter what our circumstances.

Something deep within reacts to this time of year whether we wish it or not therefore let us learn skills that we can incorporate to direct our thinking patterns this year end in order to face the challenges of a new year.  

                            

Have you ever faced a challenge in your life that initially seemed like a negative event but the outcome brought positive gains that caused you to look back on the event as something good? These situations all involve a development that psychologists refer to as 'reframing'. Reframing is a way of changing the way we look at something and therefore changing our experience of it.

 Steps towards reframing                                

A.    Notice our thoughts – it seems so obvious but many of us don’t want to think about certain things and we just don’t allow ourselves that privilege.  Take notice of our thoughts.

B.    Challenge our thoughts - Take Every Thought Captive (2 Corinthians 10:5). Put negative thoughts out of our minds and replace them…

C.    Replace negative or destructive thoughts with more positive insight – it is our responsibility to do this, no one else can do it for us. We can choose to stay miserable or change direction. Seek answers either through relationship or through research.

Positive reframing means trying to reassess things in a positive light and it is a powerful way to transform our thinking. Positive reframing does not change the situation (for we have learned that we cannot change another’s actions) but it can certainly reduce damage and put things into a healthier perspective.

It is being realistic about what is going on and then taking charge of what we can control i.e. our own response. It does not mean glossing over the negative and pretending it does not exist.

We have all seen ‘learned helplessness’ in people around us i.e. people who sneer at the possibility of anything getting better. Learned helplessness has become endemic in society (more particularly in South African society at this time) and it is the source of much unhappiness. We are never helpless. Optimism can be learned and it impacts our personal well-being.

We all need hope and vision. 

A Proverb of Solomon identifies this for us:

“Without vision, people shed all restraint” – Proverbs 29:18.  

Within each of us is a drive to seek truth…let us come through this holiday period having grown in all areas of our lives; physically (healthier not bigger!), mentally (having spent time in meaningful conversation and reading), spiritually (asking ourselves...who am I right now and what hope and purpose do I have moving into a new year?) and psychologically (having learned new skills to deal with ourselves and others).

When we take a picture off the wall, it is dusty.  This holiday season is a great opportunity to reframe your ‘life picture’; so take a deep breath, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again J   

 

XXxxxxxxxxx Margs

TO BE KNOWN AND NOT LOVED - OUR GREATEST FEAR

WOMAN AT THE WELL - Jn 4 by Chris Kinsley, Drew Francis

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretence, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”

- Tim Keller

There are times when we don't want to be known.
There are things about us that we would rather nobody knew.
There are times when we are ashamed to be known.
And there are times when we are frightened to be known.

To be known means to trust....there may be a fear that the person you trust may use things you've told them against you.

If I open up, I become vulnerable! But I still have this need and craving to be known. We know the outcome if we are not vulnerable....loneliness and lack of intimacy.

We are made for relationship; it is not enough to just live our lives. Our lives gain meaning when others respond to us and to the extent which we allow that response.

“Would I want to be known for what I’m doing today?”

I want to be known.

I want you to know my name
I want you to know my fears
I want you to know my talents
I want you to know my heart
I want you to know my failures
I want you to know my strengths

I want to be known…but not by you.
I want to be known by Him.

Get to really know Jesus and be known by Him.

XXxxxxxxxxxxxMargs

BASKING IN REFLECTED GLORY

While most of us will never play professional sport or host a late-night talk show, we all can struggle from time to time with wanting to return to our “glory days” as we reminisce about some former phase in our lives.  Our reminiscing can become a danger to our mental health. The reality of the past may differ severely from the memory and we may be longing for someone or something that brought no satisfaction at the time nor would now. We can live in a state of .........if only.....

When we cannot recapture those moments, we can be tempted to set our sights on Basking in Reflected Glory also known as BIRG-ing.

What is BASKING IN REFLECTED GLORY (BIRG-ing)?

In social psychology, BIRG-ing refers to the tendency to associate ones self with the success attained by others as though it were your own. It capitalises on an affiliation with successful individuals or groups, whereby any association at all already enhances the self-image and self-esteem. Remember what it felt like to hang out with the Popular Kids?

"In the world of sports, dressing up in one's favorite team colours is a fun means of BIRG-ing.” http://psychologydictionary.org/basking-in-reflected-glory-birg-ing/#ixzz2lGrRRzPc

 

 

 

As South Africans we all know what that looks like. It’s okay to have heroes and support sports teams but......... this pastime can become our means to identity.

The concept of BIRG-ing is entrenched in Social Identity Theory which explains how one’s self esteem can be enhanced through identification with another person or a group’s success - Merritt Posten

As adolescents we have all been challenged by a crisis of identity:

1.     Who am I?

2.     To which group do I belong?

3.     What do I wish to achieve?

The negative possibility is that developmentally we were hindered and entered adulthood portraying some sense of identity confusion thus we have this need to latch onto others in order to fill a void within. BIRG-ing becomes more than a fun pursuit; we begin to live for the next game or information regarding our idols.

"Idolizing or admiring someone for their accomplishments, and then pushing yourself to excel in the same way can be positive. But, are we worshiping celebrities for being famous or are we worshiping true heroes...If we confuse heroes and celebrities, we deprive ourselves of real role models."- Jennifer Gibson

Whether we are in Church or not we are all at risk here, as the Christian world today has raised Music Groups and TV Preachers to that very same celebrity status.

Let us take some time and reflect on what the Bible says regarding “Glory”:-

Praise the Lord for the Glory that belongs to Him. Psalm 29:2

My Glory I (God) will not give to another. Isaiah 48:11

(Jesus) Christ in you (in me), the hope of Glory. Colossians 1:27

He (Jesus) is the radiance of the Glory of God and the exact imprint of His nature. Hebrews 1:3

Our identity needs to be founded on Truth.

If we are going to BIRG, let’s Bask In The Reflected Glory of God.

 

Blessings

Margsxxx

 

References:

The Holy Bible

Gibson, J: Brain blogger

(Hirt et al. 1992). The Costs and Benefits of Allegiance

Louw et al. 1998. Human Development 2^nd Edition

 

SPEAK THE TRUTH, EVEN IF YOUR VOICE SHAKES.

Faster and faster....panic! Is this it? Is this how it will end? “What do you want me to say!” he screamed at me. 

The truth, only the truth.

Yesterday, a client had come, telling of tragedy, telling of devastation to his family, a sister’s death.  Was that story prophetic of my end?   The same stretch of road, a 4X4 under the control of a raging mind, hiding from truth.

Home...my safe place; no longer his. 

He jumped out, fists raised to the heavens and raged,” Fine! I did it! 

Are you happy now?”

(My Story)

So much can be hidden and according to Lissa Rankin, MD when we stuff down our truth, wear masks and allow ourselves to be silenced; our body reacts, it whispers to us that something is wrong and when no response is certain, it yells ...and we suffer from pain and illness. Back problems, headaches, insomnia etc. are often emotional symptoms.

Our practical beliefs, real faith and truth are within us; we have a responsibility to embrace them but we do not always have complete conscious awareness of them and their capacity to impact our lives.

 

 

The process of counselling helps us explore our inner world and in the course of that honesty we will come to realize “truth” as a living grace, as an acceptance of self and not only as an intellectual concept.

So many of us are fearful of telling others our deepest experiences and thoughts, but as we delve into our inner world, we are sometimes amazed at what gems are present.  These gems lead us forward and help us to gain perspective of who we really are...when we are not wearing masks for others’  benefit...we can really love ourselves, just for who we are.

We don’t have to lie.

We understand that others may lie about us but the truth never wavers.

Did you know that when you tell a lie, that deception at its psychological core, is an act of aggression? One of the most subtle but yet effective ways to lie is lying by omission.  A very skilled manipulator might even deliver a story of very true facts but then (unbeknown to you) deliberately leaves out a key element that would shed an entirely new light on the truth of a situation.  This is done to create an impression and manipulate the outcome.

I have experienced this and have learnt that the impression left by the footsteps of dishonesty cannot gain power over me, if I walk in truth. It is important to track our pain back to its origins and see it honestly for what it was.

Hugs to all who have walked the path of divorce.

XXxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxMargs

CHOICES, CHOICES

How do we know we have made the right choice, especially in the choice of a spouse? People change...how do we recognise what the future will hold with our choice of friends, partners or work colleagues?

Most future forecasting is conspicuously off the mark. How many of us have said, “if only I’d known, he/she was like that........”   We really want to make good choices in all relationships; so what can we learn?

What psychology does know is that the future grows out of the past, it is possible to know certain characteristics about people which will not change tomorrow - if you know what to pay attention to today.

So (especially for the women :) keep the emotions at bay whilst the mind assesses the following.....

Susan Engel writes that there are 6 character traits that are constant:

Intelligence, drive, sociability, capacity for intimacy, happiness and goodness.

She states that all six elements show up early in life and don't change much over its course. So let’s take a look at what we should be looking out for in potential relationships, remember these will not really change!

Intelligence (* I'm way too intelligent to play with my intelligence)

Intelligence is the most constant quality over time; it is the announcer of possibility, a gauge of the likelihood of doing well in life.

Drive (* Vigorously goal-oriented)

Two key components to focus on when investigating how driven a person is; firstly how that person defines drive and secondly how or even whether, they are willing to work for it.

Sociability (*Bowling alone vs. playing with friends)

Signs of sociability are easily discernible, the existence of a broad circle of connections one calls on from time to time and a smaller circle of one or two close friends one can call on at any time and to whom one can make known one's inner world. Research shows that having at least one good friend is a buffer against many of life's troubles.

Capacity for intimacy (*Skinship)

Determine someone's capacity for intimacy and you will understand something about their ability to trust another human being.  This also reveals how vulnerable the person is able to be, how they make a commitment of any kind and how they control their anguish.

Happiness (*Manage your expectations)

Psychologists and philosophers find that happiness starts with having a sense of purpose and feeling useful. Happiness may be a feeling but, over the past 50 years, psychologists have come to see that in large measure it is a reflection of how we think.

Goodness (*For goodness sake)

Being empathetic is necessary for goodness but not sufficient; action is needed too;  a sign of integrity is the willingness to help another.

So off we go to make friends, to date or to interview others.  Let’s try and remember these 6 basic character traits that in all probability will change very little. 

If his/her intelligence or lack thereof irritates, you can take it that it always will.

If s/he is not driven, the possibility is strong that he never will be.

If s/he has no friends, doubt he ever will have.

If s/he has trust issues, they will in all probability linger.

If s/he is unhappy, usually he will stay that way deep inside.

If s/he doesn’t show you he really cares about You, in all probability, he doesn't.

So after this......... you have found a suitable candidate.....you may switch back on those emotions and move forward.

 Blessings

Remember this story? Samuel interviewing for a King.....

1 Samuel 16:7 ESV   

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

XXxxxxxxxxx Margs

 

*word play

References:

Red Flags or Red Herrings? Predicting Who Your Child Will Become – Susan Engel

FEAR OF THE FUTURE

Instead of viewing this moment in time as a crisis, consider seeing it as an emergence. You are shedding the skin of the past. A part of you is dying and a part of you is emerging. The pain feels the same but the result is different.
 


"You can't connect the dots looking forward you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something .........This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life." - Steve Jobs (died Oct 5, 2011).


Was he successful? It would seem so, looking through the media lens.......but truly successful in all spheres?





The root of our crisis is the wish for certainty in a world that is always faltering and uncertain. It is specifically this unrealistic demand that creates our anxiety. You think that you can truthfully analyse and manage your future until ........


Elliot D. Cohen states that if you don't have to control the outcome; if you do not expect to calculate with certainty what is by its nature uncertain; if you do not expect to solve a challenge; then you are free to relax. So relax........


There is no point in worrying over a future that is of itself uncertain; what can we control? What is in our power?


We have the power to say "I won't fear the future." We have the power to say "I won't resign myself to living a life of fear." We always have the power to say ‘no more’ to such a life.


What we don't have the power to do is to be omniscient (to have eyes in the back of our head; to see all-knowingly into the future).

Søren Kierkegaard believes the ‘Someone’ to help us is God and that a true understanding of God can only be attained by making a “personal leap of faith”. He proposed that each individual—not society or religion—is solely responsible for giving meaning to life and living it passionately and authentically. As an existentialist, he referred to this state of letting go as confronting your fear. It is about accepting responsibility, not for the future but for the choices you freely make about the future.


When you avidly live with a strong sense of purpose, even 'a calling', you walk with the knowledge of what is most important to you no matter what worries you face. This means forcing yourself to walk away from your rumination and worry and to do something constructive with your life. It means having the courage to accept yourself as inherently flawed; needing help.


Blessings,
Margs xx

 

 

REFERENCES:
Søren Kierkegaard (1813-1855): Fear & Trembling, 2005
Elliot D Cohen: Critical Thinking Unleashed, 2009

THE PARALYSIS OF PERFECTIONISM

 

We know that the glamorous and glossy, computer-enhanced and air-brushed images in ads, movies and magazines are not real, but often we are lulled into a stupor as the seductive sirens manipulate our senses, emotions and ability to reason – Richard Winter

We accept unspoken messages such as:

- I am how I look

- I behave perfectly therefore I am

- I am perfectly in control therefore I am

- I achieve therefore I am

If these are your mantras, it is obvious you have set yourself up for a fall. There is no one perfect and I am so much more.

Those who strive for perfectionism are often burdened with extreme worries and fears that they will never quite make the grade:

• I feel that what I accomplish is never quite good enough?
• Is it not a good thing to get things right, to be the best?
• Am I craving the approval of others?
• I will never be good enough.

In ‘The Artist’s Way’, author Julia Cameron writes:“Perfectionism is a refusal to let yourself move ahead. It is a loop -   an obsessive, debilitating closed system that causes you to get stuck in the details of what you are writing or painting or making and to lose sight of the whole.”

Perfectionism sucks all creativity from us leaving a dry husk; a needy, craving and unfulfilled human being. We forget so often that we are a ‘human being’ and not a ‘human doing’!

There is a call to show our weaknesses and celebrate our mistakes in order to feel fully human. It is only with the comfort that we have received at times of weakness that we share healing and comfort with others.

Ring the bells that still can ring,

Forget your perfect offering.

There is a crack in everything,

That’s how the light gets in.

-Leonard Cohen

Take a Reality Check!

There is just so much more to life than endless striving.

May we all once more catch a glimpse of what “LIFE” is.........?

Somewhere deep in our hearts we already know that success, fame, influence, power, and money do not give us the inner joy and peace we crave. Somewhere we can even sense a certain envy of those who have shed all false ambitions and found a deeper fulfilment in their relationship with God. Yes, somewhere we can even get a taste of that mysterious joy in the smile of those who have nothing to lose.

 – Henry Nouwen

AND add some colour to your world.....

Perfectionists are colour blind; they see the world in black and white, seeing in colour is realizing that even though a certain solution to a problem worked well yesterday, it might not be right for today.

 

 

Blessings                                

Margs xx