DECISIONS, DECISIONS

Scientists tell us that we are all pretty poor about making decisions... if left to our own devices we can make many bad decisions.

Many authors have tackled this problem and given lots of helpful insight into the how of making decisions? But we still feel uncertain.....is this really the best decision?

I love this quote:
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'
-Demetri Martin

With such humour we can relax into a decision of what to wear but some decisions are humongous, they may change life as we know it, in fact they are a 'crossroads' and as we are all familiar with crossroads, a bad decision here can lead to an accident of note!

Crossroads of Life

What happens when
You approach
The crossroads of Life?
Do you stumble?
Do you hesitate?
Unsure which path’s got the least strife?


Or do you just
Trust your instincts
And go with the flow?
Or do you fight them
Struggling for something different,
For some unknown you don’t know?


Such is the power
Of the crossroads
To make even a grown man tremble;
The most confident,
The most arrogant
Even those, at the crossroads, fumble…


To be or not to be,
To do or not to do,
The question of the hour’s not that;
It is to choose one
And to forget the rest,
Cause you’ve made your choice that…


The crossroads of Life
A boon as well as a bane
A future full of either happiness or regrets
Looms over each individual
Sometime or other in their life,
And the choice they make, they can never forget…

-Sabiha

Popular wisdom states: "There are no sign posts on the crossroads of life."

We need true wisdom for this one.

This is what the LORD says: "Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, Godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. - Jeremiah 6:16

1. Stand and look around.....take you time.......make sure you take in all that is involved.
2. Ask for the old, Godly way or "ancient paths"
The word “ancient” comes from a Hebrew word “olam” meaning: Old, concealed, hidden, perpetual, eternal, timeless, from eternity.
3. Ask for the good way..........we all want a good decision.
4. Quietly accept God's wisdom.

Q.What is the test that the right decision has been made?
A. You will find rest for your soul.......

Shalom

XXxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxMargs   

SMEAR CAMPAIGNS

Please excuse the passion in my Blog this week, but my feelings run high as I tackle this destructive fallout in escaping your N. (Remember Narcissists are both male and female).

My story continues:
If you even hint about leaving, escaping, or seeking help, your N will launch a smear campaign against you in the attempt to discredit anything you may say in the present or the future. Most likely, the smear campaign will have begun long before you hear of it.

Why? Because he fears being exposed more than anything else.

"One of the most painful things a survivor deals with during the smear campaign is that she loses people that she wholeheartedly believed cared for her. This can happen literally overnight. It’s very difficult to put things into a balanced and healthy perspective when you are under a heavy burden of the distortions created by the campaigner and those who find him remotely credible. If people believe the predator's narrative of you, you are better off without them" - H.- a survivor of abuse.

The object of the smear campaign is to keep you silent regarding their behaviour towards you and others. The smear campaigner works very hard to get everyone to believe them. They come across as caring, just trying to help you and warn you, as they insinuate their story with just enough question marks to show their concern and of course, they don't want to gossip!

A great concern of mine is that such campaigns are taking place in the Church. The Body is being manipulated and are believing lies which leave the victim no choice.....the innocent must leave. We have to put a stop to this, we have to discern the difference between truth and lies. Surely we have responsibility to care for one another, to approach the other party, to question and to show compassion. We cannot stand back and let this happen!

A successful smear campaign in the church relies on the cooperation of good Christian people who will broadcast your altered story on the grapevine… sorry, the prayer line....

Smear Campaigns require a mob to finish the job the rumourmonger started and just like chickens in a coop, one hen is singled out and the others peck her to death. The originator, who selected the target for destruction, can sit back and enjoy the show while other hens commit an atrocity-- 
n-continuum.blogspot.com

Smear Campaign Tactics:
1.Discredit and isolate the person
2.Play the victim and/or the hero
3.Lie-exaggerate-manipulate
4.Manufacture fear
5.Label the person
6.Hurt the victim for spite
lightshouse.org

People question why would they be so nasty, there must be some truth in the story but believe me: This is their way of teaching their victim a lesson for seeing through their lies and their pretence.

“They are sicker than we are smart”~ Sandra Brown, M.A.
Yet surely we begin to discern the difference between what is good and what is evil as we mature in our spiritual walk? Rather ask someone to speak to a Professional Counsellor than allow their story to filter through the Church, this would be a safeguard against any smear campaign......no eager listeners.

Release from Deception by Francesco Queirolo

Slander, scandal,
sugar and spite,
Right is wronged
and black cast white

Rumours, renouncing,
aspirations and slights
Devouring her prey
In perfidious bites

Remember the etymology of "religion" is "re ligare" and it means "return to bondage". Religion is an evil that has infected Christianity for centuries and exposing the works of darkness is the beginning of the cure. We need to stand firm and not allow such campaigners the space to weave their evil.

I cannot tell you how many such smear campaigns have been let loose in various churches (personal client stories). We, as the Body of Christ, cannot be adding to the hurts of victims of abuse, we cannot be turning our backs on them.....for if we do not discern truth, they will be abandoned by the very ones who should embrace and shepherd them.

Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. - Ephesians 5:11

Thank God that 'Vindication' comes from Him, He is not the One to turn away from, this I testify to: His mercy says,"NO"

I'm not gonna let you go
I'm not gonna let you slip away
You don't have to be afraid
Mercy said no
- Cece Winans

When others have let you down, know this for sure...Jesus will never leave you, He will never forsake you.

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxMargs

RED FLAGS

 

My life story continues..:

My purpose in this blog is help those who have questions exploding in their minds re a new relationship (or longterm), to either put them to rest or to answer those doubts so that you may be free.

As we continue our journey together remember I am looking back over my shoulder. For me this is the past. Whatever you may be going through, know that knowledge is helpful but this journey with a Narcissist (N) is truly deeply painful and many professionals advise that the only way forward is to end the relationship. If that is not possible, set extremely sturdy boundaries and seek professional help.

(Narcissism is not gender specific, the male gender is used here only because of my own experience. )

When living with a N you deny your gut feel (your inner voice) as you want to believe the best. You really care and then there are those honeymoon periods that lull you into denial. Your life becomes a roller coaster for as quickly as the N can derail you, they can build you up with gifts, cards and flowers. All is well again until >>>>>>>>>here we go again!

 

There is a truth here that you are not willing to accept because you   feel you can and want to help them.

All relationships have their difficulties so how do we determine the difference between what are normal difficulties and what are abnormal difficulties in our relationship?

Maybe these Red Flags I experienced will help us identify just what behaviour 'demands our attention' :

1. The N hones in on a certain weakness in you, leaving you feeling you should try harder, but it is never good enough. It is this weak point that he constantly stabs with an emotional dagger to wound, then pulls it out just enough that the pain isn't too severe. Over many years this wound is reopened over and over, you never make the grade no matter how hard you try.

I doubted myself, my choices more and more. My concerns were repackaged by the N leaving me questioning not only myself but everyone and every situation. Nothing and I mean nothing was ever his fault.

2. Needing to be a "Mind reader".
If the N makes a mistake e.g. Damaging the car while parking in the garage, he will storm through the door irate that you did not help him park it...how could you not know that he needed help? You are so selfish just doing your thing (cooking??) when you knew he had arrived and needed your help. Self doubt creeps in. You are meant to read his mind and when you don't, you are inconsiderate. Are adults meant to act in this childish manner? Yet you still doubt yourself.

His bad attitudes and temper arose, he made me feel that it was my fault for not trying harder, not being everything he needed me to be.

3. The N looked down on and spoke poorly of others, always thinking himself superior.

Oprah states that when people show you who they really are, believe them the first time! You deny the signs knowing that if you acknowledge them you will have to do something about it.

4. Only the N knew how the real world works... he talked down to me constantly. I learnt to keep the peace because if I upset him, he would shut down, devoid of emotion and certainly devoid of love, he completely withdrew. This was my punishment.

5. Financial deviance, living recklessly and lying with no remorse are traits to look out for. The N will deviantly take from others in financial deals with no concern nor remorse.

He told many a story of misleading creditors, banks and people. This is such an obvious red flag.

PEACE
There can be no Peace in the world until there is inner Peace within each of us.

"Choose your battles wisely. After all, life isn't measured by how many times you stood up to fight. It's not winning battles that makes you happy, but it's how many times you turned away and chose to look in a better direction. Life is too short to spend it on warring. Fight only the most, most, most important ones and let the rest go.” (C. JoyBell)

Towards the end of my relationship, the 'Cry of my Heart' was, I just want peace! Please, please bring this to an end!

Now I have that peace and I will guard it as I guard my heart. Never again will I allow a Narcissist to take it from me. I am like a Lioness guarding her cub. God has given me Peace through His favour. I embrace it, I cherish it and never again will I relinquish it.

When dealing with what your N says to you....
Prepare a "truth" and "lies" list; absorb both lists to your core (mind, body and spirit). If a truth hurts, write out 'truths to work on' and find a quote to inspire you to do so. Start doing this and therefore renewing your mind today. (Tina Swithin: Divorcing a Narcissist, One Mom's Battle)

Jesus love never fails, it never gives up and it never runs out on you.

 

XXxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Margs

Thanks also to Drew Keys: “The Narcissist Exposed” for helping me clarify my thoughts.

A WOW MOMENT!

My life story within the framework of the evidence of Narcissistic Behaviour.

Narcissists are restlessly delusional. They lack patience and their schedules are unbelievable, especially for those closest to them, their spouses. You are continually harangued, criticized for the smallest illegitimate reasons (for me it was not fulfilling his list of needs and requests written out for me every day).

With the Narcissistic spouse you have very little mental breathing space. (I was phoned at least 4 times every day, where am I, what am I doing? etc. I thought it was a loving thing to do but have since accepted that it was control.) From the Narcissist’s perspective, you are their possession.
- Matinez-Lewi

My WOW moment! .....I have learnt that Narcissists practice devaluing and discarding. They will discard you if you question them too much and fail to hide your feelings and needs consistently for their convenience and benefit -Drew Keys

Narcissists put down, turn against or reject the person who no longer pleases them or serves them. The spouse is shocked as they have lived with and believed the lie that they are loved by the Narcissist. The mask is off, it is evident that the Narcissist never loved at all. When they have done getting what they can from you i.e. you have somehow ended their narcissistic supply. The game is over.



 

This is my story:
Throughout the 25 years as a spouse of a Narcissist; lies, criticism, tantrums were the order of the day, but because of his unyielding schedule not much time was spent in the home which was a relief. His energy was focused on him, his work, his ambition etc. If my role was played out well, there was a semblance of peace.

I am the "Mother of his children" (this was the role given to me in the Narcissist's mind) but when his children had grown and were leaving home, I had become redundant. I had stood behind and supported him, worked for him as he launched a new career, as he fulfilled his dreams, as he made a fortune. He was at the pinnacle of his career and he needed a new trophy! He felt he could have this and keep the “Mother of his children” too, tucked away in a sleepy town, just in case.......

I am so grateful that I had also started following Jesus the Messiah. Through my experience and reading of the Bible, God's Word to us, I found my value, my identity and my dignity in Jesus Christ. I could at last be strong and courageous in my relationship with the Narcissist. I found my voice and stood up for what was right and true.

For him this was rebellion, it was time to devalue me (smear campaign of note) and deny that he neither had any need of me nor ever had. I no longer fitted his role for me.

Drew Keys clarifies this in his writings on "The Narcissist exposed." If you change and start standing up for yourself and ask them to be more considerate or change their ways especially their illegal ways, they will discard you without a backward glance. They will find another who defers to them better. You have only two choices when living with a Narcissist: 1. be a doormat or 2. find yourself outside on the doormat!"

“Sometimes on the road of life…getting lost is how we find our way.”
-Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Exactly my story, once I was lost, now I am found :)

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Margs

Share your story with me or ask any relevant questions.
mmeford@gmail.com

 

In my blog Psychedelic Psychology (mmeford.blogspot.com) I have discussed Narcissism, check it out for more information.

 

MOVING ONWARD: ACCEPTANCE

STAGE 1: DENIAL
STAGE 2: ANGER
STAGE 3: BARGAINING
STAGE 4: DEPRESSION
STAGE 5: ACCEPTANCE

I do not believe that Elizabeth Kübler-Ross's groundbreaking research on the 5 Stages of Grief comes with an expectation of us being robotic in moving through the 5 steps; arriving at ‘acceptance’ and that is that.  You don't just move through the stages in order. You go back and forth through them again and again as a pendulum swings, as you bypass Memorial days, birthdays and ‘special meaning’ days once enjoyed with your loved one. There are days when you think you have at last accepted the loss, only to be ambushed by a smell, a stranger who looks similar or the sound of someone’s voice.

Acceptance is often confused with the impression of being “okay” with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people will always have a hollow space, a feeling that a place has been left empty. Acceptance is about facing the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality. This has become our new kind of normal. Embracing your new kind of normal is the most empowering choice you can make as it allows you to hope and trust once more.

Acceptance does not mean forgetting, but rather using the memories to create a new life without your loved one. Hoping for things to be as they were may be replaced by a search for new relationships and new activities.

The Benchmarks in Rebuilding

• You are able to talk about the deceased without intense affect (emotion)

• You can reinvest emotions in another

There is a wholeness about the man or woman who has learned that s/he is strong enough to go through a tragedy and survive, the person who can lose someone through death, through divorce, through estrangement and still feel like a complete person and not broken and with a level of coping that is higher than when the tragedy occurred. You have come through the worst and come through it whole.

 Growth

Some people seek meaning in their loss and get involved in causes or projects that help others.
Some people find a new compassion in themselves as a result of the pain they have suffered. They may become more sensitive to others, thus enabling richer relationships. Others find new strength and independence they never knew they had. After the loss, they find new emotional resources that had not been apparent before. www.hospicefamilycare.org

As our journey through grief draws to a close, I am going to tell a well-known story; meditate and ponder its application in the light of loss, in the light of grief.

 

THE MISSING PIECE
By Shel Silverstein (cited in Connections, 10/97) 

"Once there was a circle that was missing a piece. A large triangular wedge had been cut out of it. The circle wanted to be whole, with nothing missing, so it went around and around looking for its missing piece. But because it was incomplete, it could only roll very slowly as it rolled throughout the world. But as it rolled slowly, it admired the flowers along the way. It chatted with butterflies. It enjoyed the warm sunshine.

It found lots of pieces, but none of them fit. Some were too big and some were too small. Some were too square and some too pointy. So it left them by the side of the road and kept on searching.

Then one day the circle found a piece that fit perfectly. It was so happy. Now it could be whole, with nothing missing. With the replacement piece in place, the now perfect circle could roll along very fast, but too fast to notice the flowers, too fast to talk to the butterflies. When it realized how different the world seemed when it rolled along so quickly, the circle stopped, left its newfound piece by the side of the road, and rolled slowly away, looking for its missing piece."

APPLICATION

In some strange sense, we are more whole when we have lost.

 

Many Blessings                                                       

Margie