FEAR OF THE FUTURE

Instead of viewing this moment in time as a crisis, consider seeing it as an emergence. You are shedding the skin of the past. A part of you is dying and a part of you is emerging. The pain feels the same but the result is different.
 


"You can't connect the dots looking forward you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something .........This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life." - Steve Jobs (died Oct 5, 2011).


Was he successful? It would seem so, looking through the media lens.......but truly successful in all spheres?





The root of our crisis is the wish for certainty in a world that is always faltering and uncertain. It is specifically this unrealistic demand that creates our anxiety. You think that you can truthfully analyse and manage your future until ........


Elliot D. Cohen states that if you don't have to control the outcome; if you do not expect to calculate with certainty what is by its nature uncertain; if you do not expect to solve a challenge; then you are free to relax. So relax........


There is no point in worrying over a future that is of itself uncertain; what can we control? What is in our power?


We have the power to say "I won't fear the future." We have the power to say "I won't resign myself to living a life of fear." We always have the power to say ‘no more’ to such a life.


What we don't have the power to do is to be omniscient (to have eyes in the back of our head; to see all-knowingly into the future).

Søren Kierkegaard believes the ‘Someone’ to help us is God and that a true understanding of God can only be attained by making a “personal leap of faith”. He proposed that each individual—not society or religion—is solely responsible for giving meaning to life and living it passionately and authentically. As an existentialist, he referred to this state of letting go as confronting your fear. It is about accepting responsibility, not for the future but for the choices you freely make about the future.


When you avidly live with a strong sense of purpose, even 'a calling', you walk with the knowledge of what is most important to you no matter what worries you face. This means forcing yourself to walk away from your rumination and worry and to do something constructive with your life. It means having the courage to accept yourself as inherently flawed; needing help.


Blessings,
Margs xx

 

 

REFERENCES:
Søren Kierkegaard (1813-1855): Fear & Trembling, 2005
Elliot D Cohen: Critical Thinking Unleashed, 2009

THE PARALYSIS OF PERFECTIONISM

 

We know that the glamorous and glossy, computer-enhanced and air-brushed images in ads, movies and magazines are not real, but often we are lulled into a stupor as the seductive sirens manipulate our senses, emotions and ability to reason – Richard Winter

We accept unspoken messages such as:

- I am how I look

- I behave perfectly therefore I am

- I am perfectly in control therefore I am

- I achieve therefore I am

If these are your mantras, it is obvious you have set yourself up for a fall. There is no one perfect and I am so much more.

Those who strive for perfectionism are often burdened with extreme worries and fears that they will never quite make the grade:

• I feel that what I accomplish is never quite good enough?
• Is it not a good thing to get things right, to be the best?
• Am I craving the approval of others?
• I will never be good enough.

In ‘The Artist’s Way’, author Julia Cameron writes:“Perfectionism is a refusal to let yourself move ahead. It is a loop -   an obsessive, debilitating closed system that causes you to get stuck in the details of what you are writing or painting or making and to lose sight of the whole.”

Perfectionism sucks all creativity from us leaving a dry husk; a needy, craving and unfulfilled human being. We forget so often that we are a ‘human being’ and not a ‘human doing’!

There is a call to show our weaknesses and celebrate our mistakes in order to feel fully human. It is only with the comfort that we have received at times of weakness that we share healing and comfort with others.

Ring the bells that still can ring,

Forget your perfect offering.

There is a crack in everything,

That’s how the light gets in.

-Leonard Cohen

Take a Reality Check!

There is just so much more to life than endless striving.

May we all once more catch a glimpse of what “LIFE” is.........?

Somewhere deep in our hearts we already know that success, fame, influence, power, and money do not give us the inner joy and peace we crave. Somewhere we can even sense a certain envy of those who have shed all false ambitions and found a deeper fulfilment in their relationship with God. Yes, somewhere we can even get a taste of that mysterious joy in the smile of those who have nothing to lose.

 – Henry Nouwen

AND add some colour to your world.....

Perfectionists are colour blind; they see the world in black and white, seeing in colour is realizing that even though a certain solution to a problem worked well yesterday, it might not be right for today.

 

 

Blessings                                

Margs xx

KNOWING ME, KNOWING YOU....AH HA!

 

 

Broken people are beautiful. There is something about vulnerability, suffering and pain that the human heart responds to instinctively.  We become sympathetic, tender, warm and protective towards those whose wounds show through their skin.  It doesn’t matter whether these wounds are physical, psychological or spiritual.  Brokenness in all its forms cries out to be healed.  Our wounds speak louder than our words ever could. – Bergin & Fitzgerald

The very word broken speaks to us of a need for healing; “I’m OK” just can’t be enough.  What steps can be taken to begin to facilitate healing when I don’t want to talk about it?

1.    I need to consciously step out of the darkness within me as denying feelings is not a legitimate coping mechanism. Journaling is an excellent way of getting our feelings out.

2.    I need to recognise and name my losses within my circumstances. Journal losses.

3.    It is imperative that I unlock the trapdoor of guilt and shame.  Shame is an unhealthy emotion telling me I am not a worthwhile person; guilt is a healthy emotion telling me I have stepped outside of my boundaries. I must choose not to live under shame and learn once more to live under healthy boundaries.

4.    Take the lid off my anger; I will not heal unless I express my anger in a constructive way so that I do not explode.  The underlying pain can then be dealt with.

5.    I should not surrender to my depression but work through it.

6.    I should strive to start a journey towards acceptance of what has happened and prepare myself to forgive. (see previous post on "unpacking forgiveness")

What insight will help me through my healing process; how do we truly “know” ourselves? How do we accept ourselves? How do we become a deep person?

We are on a journey of self discovery....join me as we delve into our lives.

We all have 4 quadrants in our lives:

• An open/free quadrant (Known Self)

A part of myself I am willing to share openly with other people. I am able to share freely what I am happy for others to know about me.

•           A blind quadrant (Blind Self)

These are parts of my personality I have yet to become aware of. They can be negative or positive; so often we see ourselves in a less than favourable light. In other areas we over inflate our potential.

We need to ask significant others to share these traits with us so that we can know ourselves better.

• A hidden quadrant (Hidden Self)

A part of myself I hide from the world; I acknowledge these traits but have reasons for wishing to keep others from knowing.

There is a growth opportunity here as I become more comfortable with myself, I can decide to share more of myself with significant others.

•            An unknown quadrant (Unknown Self)

There is potential within all of us; there is a part of me which no one knows, not even myself.  Only God knows me fully as He knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Here I find another growth opportunity to self discover. As I experience new things, potential can be unleashed into a “known quadrant”. Other’s observations can also help in uncovering my hidden potential as I surrender to self and shared discovery.

We need to seek and discover these hidden and blind quadrants in the present day so that we begin to unleash hidden potential. 

Let us ask God to shed light into the dark corners of our soul.

Carl Jung believed that it is the privilege of a lifetime to become who you truly are. He went on to state that until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate. 

We have all been ‘blindsided’ at times by our own response in a given situation.

 

"As no one else can know how we perceive, we are the best experts on ourselves." – Carl Rogers

So I want to tell you to seek truth, and the truth will set you free.  The truth

does set us free! Keep going!

 

 

Blessings

Margs

 

 

REFERENCES

Freed & Salazar. A Season to Heal, 1993

Johari Window Model

DOMESTIC AND NATIONAL ABUSE

Martyrs, Saints & Sell-outs is a photographic exhibition exhibiting at the Castle of Good Hope, Cape Town. 

In the dim light of this ancient castle, I experienced once more the atrocities that took place in Cape Town during Apartheid in South Africa.  Violence, power and control was utilised in an horrific display of human depravity. It is a reflection of an era of despair and isolation, a memory of  the significance of a struggle; the fallout of which is part of our daily lives in Cape Town today.

There are those who deal with abuse and violence every day; it is very personal and takes place within the safety of their homes. 

How does the 'modern abuser' employ power, control and violence?

1. Using Coercion and Threats
Making or carrying out threats to leave and abandon their family without financial means.
Threatening their partner so that charges are dropped.
Threatening their partner to partake in illegal activities.

2. Using Intimidation
Provoking fear by looks, actions or gestures.
Smashing things, destroying property.
Displaying weapons

3. Using Emotional Abuse
Making the partner feel bad through verbal abuse.
Playing mind games
Name calling, humiliating and shaming
Making their partner feel guilty for their bad behaviour.

4. Using Isolation
Controlling the movements of their partner and who they speak to.
Using jealousy to justify actions

5. Minimising, Denying and Blaming
Downplaying their partner's concerns regarding the abuse.
Lying regarding the abuse
Blaming their partner for the abuse; saying that they are 'asking' for it

6. Using Children
Using the children to relay messages
Using visitation to harass their partner.
Threatening to take the children away

7. Using Male Privilege
Treating the female partner like a servant
Making all the big decisions

8. Using Economic Abuse
Preventing their partner from getting or keeping a job.
Making their partner ask for money
Giving their partner an allowance
Taking their partner's money
Not allowing access to the family income

~Domestic Abuse Intervention Project

If you find yourself in this position a PROTEST is in order!

The Magic question to ask yourself:
If you woke up tomorrow and the problem had gone away, what would your life look like?

If the difference is significant, it is time to bring about change.

What is NOT a solution?
a. Silent submission
b. Ineffective fighting and violence
c. Blaming
d. Emotional distancing

Physical distance is the beginning of healing.

What could the consequences be if we make no changes?

a. Loss of important relationships, you may lose relationship with your children, your parents, your friends.
b. You will continue to have no control over your life.
c. You will continue to sacrifice yourself to bolster and protect your partner.
d. There will be Continuous Trauma for yourself and your children.

Use the Law:

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND THE LAW Acts 133 of 1993 and 116 of 1998

Domestic violence is any form of abuse which includes physical, sexual, emotional, psychological or economic harassment within a domestic relationship. If these forms of abuse are happening to you or to anyone you know, you can apply for a protection order.www.services.gov.za


A Domestic relationship includes two people being in a customary relationship actual or perceived romantic, intimate or sexual relationship of any duration sharing or having shared the same residence. It is not just for those who are legally married.

…and will make the Valley of Achor a Door of Hope~ Hosea 2:15
The Valley of Achor is the Valley of Trouble; there is a Door of Hope.

As those who praise God pass through the Valley of Baca they make it a Place of Springs ~ Psalm 84:6
The Valley of Baca is the Valley of weeping and misery ; there is a Place of Springs