UNPACKING FORGIVENESS

I was blown away when I read that the faculty and students of the Psychology Dept. of the University of Wisconsin met to discuss ‘forgiveness’ over a period of 10 years to bring some clarity to the subject. Some of the thoughts below stem from those discussions.

Forgiveness is huge! It is not an easy subject nor is it easy to fulfil. So where do we begin.....?

 

 

Close your eyes and picture in your mind an old Church tower in a village in the UK, now see the bell-ringer (campanologist) about to pull the rope that will ring the bell....he pulls and pulls.......the bell begins to gain momentum until a sound is heard......the sound increases and rings for a precise time then the rope is released, slowly the sound decreases until........silence and peace.

Forgiveness is like this, initially it takes a lot of labour (prayer, emotional and mental energy) until......momentum is gained, the chimes signify the intensity of feeling, negative feelings...feelings ‘that we may always feel this way’ and yet slowly, slowly as we release the rope, (let go of those negative feelings) the chimes slow and eventually cease.  We experience peace.

Forgiveness is a gift to others not just to us, but in the giving it may also bring psychological healing.

Forgiveness does not and cannot wipe out the fact of wrong having been done. It is not simply giving up our right to punish (although this may result from forgiveness). We do not excuse the wrongdoer by forgiving them. Forgiveness is not a legal pardon.

We still see them as the perpetrator of the wrong and hold them responsible for it. There has to be a real sense of wrongdoing otherwise there would be no real meaning in forgiving.

“Forgiveness is a special case of mercy directed at an injuring party.” Don’t you love this quote?

When we acknowledge that we should forgive....the big question is how do we do it?

Our journey begins with acknowledging our negative feelings. It is okay and normal to feel like this. If the perpetrator is not punished, our sense of justice is not fulfilled and adds further to our negative feelings. 

Our negative feelings are focused on the perpetrator and we need to acknowledge that our own healing requires us to forgive.

The point of readiness to forgive will differ with each person with regard to:-
a) the extent of the wrong done
b) the seriousness of the wrong done
c) the time elapsed
d) present feelings

As we journey on we can begin to reframe the situation to gain understanding of the perpetrator. At first, we won’t want to but our challenge is to try to gain understanding of the perpetrator from their context.

Our goal is to reach a point beyond ourselves to see the wrongdoer, to see him/her as Imago Dei (made in the image of God). When we can reach this point, the 'ought to' forgive changes to a 'desire to'.

Eventually our negative feelings can be overridden by truth.
J. North - Exploring Forgiveness

A truth, I believe, that can only be found in our Image of who God is.

Some thoughts to ponder:
Forgiveness is more than accepting and tolerating the injustice.
Forgiveness definitely, definitely does not mean forgetting.
Forgiveness is more than ceasing our anger towards the perpetrator.

Forgiveness does not go hand in hand with reconciliation. Forgiveness is one person's gift to another, while reconciliation is two people choosing to come together again. This is not always within our power or wishes.
Enright, Freedman & Rique - Interpersonal Forgiveness

A sign that the process of forgiveness is in progress, is that empathy and compassion begin to emerge towards the perpetrator.

Meeting face to face is not necessary if not desirable; forgiveness is for our healing. Write a letter to the perpetrator telling them you forgive them; it is your decision to send it or burn it as a memorial to the freedom gained by forgiving.

Must our relationship with the perpetrator return to its previous level?  No, it is not unforgiving to make hard decisions to enforce strict boundaries towards your perpetrator; we have a choice in this. I believe we should take our heart’s temperature from time to time to check on our progress in the realm of forgiveness, so that we can be whole.

Acceptance and forgiveness have been paramount in my own personal healing; I intermittently check up on the state of my heart towards someone who came close to destroying me, then I continue to press on towards the goal.(Phil 3:13-14)

 Stay strong.

"and whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your tresspasses." - Mk 11:25

 

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