Wednesday, 18 September 2013

CUTTING THE TIES THAT BIND US


....you go free

When we find ourselves in a relationship that has slowly and stealthily robbed us of our dignity, sometimes our values and morals and even our very souls....our first question is often how did we get here? How did this happen?

Answer: We ignored all the clues, we dismissed our gut feel and it frequently takes a crisis to bring a watershed event that allows us to grasp the full measure of what the other person’s limitations really were and are. Something was driving us forward, that blinded us to the danger and in order to heal we need to unravel our own subconscious puzzle and seek truth before we move forward once more.

I have asked myself on more than one occasion “What makes us stay in a relationship where there is more bad than good?”

The experts are now calling this “Trauma bonding”. When a relationship has a pattern of fear, abuse and exploitation; a person has control and power over us and we will begin to tiptoe around them. We are slowly being abused and traumatized, and may stay in a relationship for a long time without really fighting back. We’re often afraid to fight back because of the repercussions.

Abusive behaviours insidiously lower self-esteem and set us on a path of constant and increasing self-doubt. We start asking ourselves what transgression we have committed to provoke such anger, contempt or criticism.

Payson states that the way of freedom and healing involves 3 distinct phases:

1.    Awareness: Tell yourself the truth and stop enabling the abuse; no one deserves to be abused.

It is only in truth that we will be set free.

2.    Emotional healing: Be accountable for change.

Whatever weakness we subconsciously communicated on entering this relationship has been exploited and abused.  We need to seek help in identifying that weakness; then bring it before God in prayer and repentance so that it may no longer hinder us.  

3.    Empowerment: Expect resistance to change. Turning from our own weakness will empower us to move away from the abuser who only magnifies it.

We need to stand firm without fear knowing that God is with and for us.

At the crisis point we feel outraged, betrayed, hurt and angry and we will feel a great sense of loss as a wished-for relationship dies.
(see blog posts on the Grief Cycle 19th July - 6th August, 2013)

It is imperative that we recognise when to turn the page; cutting the ties that bind us. We must acknowledge that we will resist as we just hate pain (most of us will do anything not to experience emotional pain) but be courageous and be accountable to change.

The most difficult step is to release and forgive those who have wounded us so that we go free! (See blog post: Unpacking forgiveness, 16th September, 2013)

 For those who really struggle with this remember the words of Oscar Wilde:

"Always forgive your enemies-nothing annoys them so much."

XXxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Margs

If you haven’t yet read my story you will find it on 14th August 2013 A WOW! MOMENT – Journey with me...........

 

Resources:

Dr. David B. Hawkins, crosswalk.com

Payson, E; The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists, 2008

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