When we find ourselves in a relationship that has slowly
and stealthily robbed us of our dignity, sometimes our values and morals and even
our very souls....our first question is often how did we get here? How did this
happen?
Answer: We ignored all the clues, we dismissed our gut
feel and it frequently takes a crisis to bring a watershed event that allows us
to grasp the full measure of what the other person’s limitations really were
and are. Something was driving us forward, that blinded us to the danger and in
order to heal we need to unravel our own subconscious puzzle and seek truth
before we move forward once more.
I have asked myself on more than one occasion “What makes
us stay in a relationship where there is more bad than good?”
The experts are now calling this “Trauma bonding”. When a
relationship has a pattern of fear, abuse and exploitation; a person has
control and power over us and we will begin to tiptoe around them. We are slowly
being abused and traumatized, and may stay in a relationship for a long time
without really fighting back. We’re often afraid to fight back because of the
repercussions.
Abusive behaviours insidiously lower self-esteem and set us
on a path of constant and increasing self-doubt. We start asking ourselves what
transgression we have committed to provoke such anger, contempt or criticism.
Payson states that the way of freedom and healing
involves 3 distinct phases:
1. Awareness: Tell
yourself the truth and stop enabling the abuse; no one deserves
to be abused.
It is only in truth that we
will be set free.
2. Emotional healing: Be accountable for change.
Whatever
weakness we subconsciously communicated on entering this relationship has been
exploited and abused. We need to seek
help in identifying that weakness; then bring it before God in prayer and
repentance so that it may no longer hinder us.
3. Empowerment: Expect
resistance to change. Turning from our own weakness will empower us to move away
from the abuser who only magnifies it.
We need to stand firm without fear
knowing that God is with and for us.
At the crisis point we feel outraged, betrayed, hurt and
angry and we will feel a great sense of loss as a wished-for relationship dies.
(see
blog posts on the Grief Cycle 19th July - 6th August, 2013)
It is imperative that we recognise when to turn the page;
cutting the ties that bind us. We must acknowledge that we will resist as we
just hate pain (most of us will do anything not to experience emotional pain) but
be courageous and be accountable to change.
The most difficult step is to release and forgive those
who have wounded us so that we go free! (See blog post: Unpacking
forgiveness, 16th September, 2013)
For
those who really struggle with this remember the words of Oscar Wilde:
"Always forgive your enemies-nothing annoys them so
much."
XXxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Margs
If you haven’t yet read my story you will
find it on 14th August 2013 A WOW! MOMENT – Journey with me...........
Resources:
Dr. David B. Hawkins, crosswalk.com
Payson, E; The Wizard of Oz and other
Narcissists, 2008
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