TO BE KNOWN AND NOT LOVED - OUR GREATEST FEAR

WOMAN AT THE WELL - Jn 4 by Chris Kinsley, Drew Francis

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretence, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”

- Tim Keller

There are times when we don't want to be known.
There are things about us that we would rather nobody knew.
There are times when we are ashamed to be known.
And there are times when we are frightened to be known.

To be known means to trust....there may be a fear that the person you trust may use things you've told them against you.

If I open up, I become vulnerable! But I still have this need and craving to be known. We know the outcome if we are not vulnerable....loneliness and lack of intimacy.

We are made for relationship; it is not enough to just live our lives. Our lives gain meaning when others respond to us and to the extent which we allow that response.

“Would I want to be known for what I’m doing today?”

I want to be known.

I want you to know my name
I want you to know my fears
I want you to know my talents
I want you to know my heart
I want you to know my failures
I want you to know my strengths

I want to be known…but not by you.
I want to be known by Him.

Get to really know Jesus and be known by Him.

XXxxxxxxxxxxxMargs

BASKING IN REFLECTED GLORY

While most of us will never play professional sport or host a late-night talk show, we all can struggle from time to time with wanting to return to our “glory days” as we reminisce about some former phase in our lives.  Our reminiscing can become a danger to our mental health. The reality of the past may differ severely from the memory and we may be longing for someone or something that brought no satisfaction at the time nor would now. We can live in a state of .........if only.....

When we cannot recapture those moments, we can be tempted to set our sights on Basking in Reflected Glory also known as BIRG-ing.

What is BASKING IN REFLECTED GLORY (BIRG-ing)?

In social psychology, BIRG-ing refers to the tendency to associate ones self with the success attained by others as though it were your own. It capitalises on an affiliation with successful individuals or groups, whereby any association at all already enhances the self-image and self-esteem. Remember what it felt like to hang out with the Popular Kids?

"In the world of sports, dressing up in one's favorite team colours is a fun means of BIRG-ing.” http://psychologydictionary.org/basking-in-reflected-glory-birg-ing/#ixzz2lGrRRzPc

 

 

 

As South Africans we all know what that looks like. It’s okay to have heroes and support sports teams but......... this pastime can become our means to identity.

The concept of BIRG-ing is entrenched in Social Identity Theory which explains how one’s self esteem can be enhanced through identification with another person or a group’s success - Merritt Posten

As adolescents we have all been challenged by a crisis of identity:

1.     Who am I?

2.     To which group do I belong?

3.     What do I wish to achieve?

The negative possibility is that developmentally we were hindered and entered adulthood portraying some sense of identity confusion thus we have this need to latch onto others in order to fill a void within. BIRG-ing becomes more than a fun pursuit; we begin to live for the next game or information regarding our idols.

"Idolizing or admiring someone for their accomplishments, and then pushing yourself to excel in the same way can be positive. But, are we worshiping celebrities for being famous or are we worshiping true heroes...If we confuse heroes and celebrities, we deprive ourselves of real role models."- Jennifer Gibson

Whether we are in Church or not we are all at risk here, as the Christian world today has raised Music Groups and TV Preachers to that very same celebrity status.

Let us take some time and reflect on what the Bible says regarding “Glory”:-

Praise the Lord for the Glory that belongs to Him. Psalm 29:2

My Glory I (God) will not give to another. Isaiah 48:11

(Jesus) Christ in you (in me), the hope of Glory. Colossians 1:27

He (Jesus) is the radiance of the Glory of God and the exact imprint of His nature. Hebrews 1:3

Our identity needs to be founded on Truth.

If we are going to BIRG, let’s Bask In The Reflected Glory of God.

 

Blessings

Margsxxx

 

References:

The Holy Bible

Gibson, J: Brain blogger

(Hirt et al. 1992). The Costs and Benefits of Allegiance

Louw et al. 1998. Human Development 2^nd Edition

 

SPEAK THE TRUTH, EVEN IF YOUR VOICE SHAKES.

Faster and faster....panic! Is this it? Is this how it will end? “What do you want me to say!” he screamed at me. 

The truth, only the truth.

Yesterday, a client had come, telling of tragedy, telling of devastation to his family, a sister’s death.  Was that story prophetic of my end?   The same stretch of road, a 4X4 under the control of a raging mind, hiding from truth.

Home...my safe place; no longer his. 

He jumped out, fists raised to the heavens and raged,” Fine! I did it! 

Are you happy now?”

(My Story)

So much can be hidden and according to Lissa Rankin, MD when we stuff down our truth, wear masks and allow ourselves to be silenced; our body reacts, it whispers to us that something is wrong and when no response is certain, it yells ...and we suffer from pain and illness. Back problems, headaches, insomnia etc. are often emotional symptoms.

Our practical beliefs, real faith and truth are within us; we have a responsibility to embrace them but we do not always have complete conscious awareness of them and their capacity to impact our lives.

 

 

The process of counselling helps us explore our inner world and in the course of that honesty we will come to realize “truth” as a living grace, as an acceptance of self and not only as an intellectual concept.

So many of us are fearful of telling others our deepest experiences and thoughts, but as we delve into our inner world, we are sometimes amazed at what gems are present.  These gems lead us forward and help us to gain perspective of who we really are...when we are not wearing masks for others’  benefit...we can really love ourselves, just for who we are.

We don’t have to lie.

We understand that others may lie about us but the truth never wavers.

Did you know that when you tell a lie, that deception at its psychological core, is an act of aggression? One of the most subtle but yet effective ways to lie is lying by omission.  A very skilled manipulator might even deliver a story of very true facts but then (unbeknown to you) deliberately leaves out a key element that would shed an entirely new light on the truth of a situation.  This is done to create an impression and manipulate the outcome.

I have experienced this and have learnt that the impression left by the footsteps of dishonesty cannot gain power over me, if I walk in truth. It is important to track our pain back to its origins and see it honestly for what it was.

Hugs to all who have walked the path of divorce.

XXxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxMargs

CHOICES, CHOICES

How do we know we have made the right choice, especially in the choice of a spouse? People change...how do we recognise what the future will hold with our choice of friends, partners or work colleagues?

Most future forecasting is conspicuously off the mark. How many of us have said, “if only I’d known, he/she was like that........”   We really want to make good choices in all relationships; so what can we learn?

What psychology does know is that the future grows out of the past, it is possible to know certain characteristics about people which will not change tomorrow - if you know what to pay attention to today.

So (especially for the women :) keep the emotions at bay whilst the mind assesses the following.....

Susan Engel writes that there are 6 character traits that are constant:

Intelligence, drive, sociability, capacity for intimacy, happiness and goodness.

She states that all six elements show up early in life and don't change much over its course. So let’s take a look at what we should be looking out for in potential relationships, remember these will not really change!

Intelligence (* I'm way too intelligent to play with my intelligence)

Intelligence is the most constant quality over time; it is the announcer of possibility, a gauge of the likelihood of doing well in life.

Drive (* Vigorously goal-oriented)

Two key components to focus on when investigating how driven a person is; firstly how that person defines drive and secondly how or even whether, they are willing to work for it.

Sociability (*Bowling alone vs. playing with friends)

Signs of sociability are easily discernible, the existence of a broad circle of connections one calls on from time to time and a smaller circle of one or two close friends one can call on at any time and to whom one can make known one's inner world. Research shows that having at least one good friend is a buffer against many of life's troubles.

Capacity for intimacy (*Skinship)

Determine someone's capacity for intimacy and you will understand something about their ability to trust another human being.  This also reveals how vulnerable the person is able to be, how they make a commitment of any kind and how they control their anguish.

Happiness (*Manage your expectations)

Psychologists and philosophers find that happiness starts with having a sense of purpose and feeling useful. Happiness may be a feeling but, over the past 50 years, psychologists have come to see that in large measure it is a reflection of how we think.

Goodness (*For goodness sake)

Being empathetic is necessary for goodness but not sufficient; action is needed too;  a sign of integrity is the willingness to help another.

So off we go to make friends, to date or to interview others.  Let’s try and remember these 6 basic character traits that in all probability will change very little. 

If his/her intelligence or lack thereof irritates, you can take it that it always will.

If s/he is not driven, the possibility is strong that he never will be.

If s/he has no friends, doubt he ever will have.

If s/he has trust issues, they will in all probability linger.

If s/he is unhappy, usually he will stay that way deep inside.

If s/he doesn’t show you he really cares about You, in all probability, he doesn't.

So after this......... you have found a suitable candidate.....you may switch back on those emotions and move forward.

 Blessings

Remember this story? Samuel interviewing for a King.....

1 Samuel 16:7 ESV   

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

XXxxxxxxxxx Margs

 

*word play

References:

Red Flags or Red Herrings? Predicting Who Your Child Will Become – Susan Engel